she gave us a mirror she gave us a map

she gave us a mirror she gave us a map, originally uploaded by jenlyn.

It started at the old mental hospital in Concord.

Walking around and around. Knocking on doors. Peering in windows.

I just wanted to get in.

Alas, everything happens for a reason.

We got in the car and drove north. Out of Concord. Into the country. Through a cemetery or two. Because I like cemeteries.

We drove past a road that said "Webster Cemetery". I made a quick U-turn because, you know, I like cemeteries.

Drove past three large, abandoned, open brick buildings. Drove past the birthplace of Daniel Webster.

Wondered who the hell Daniel Webster was.

Drove through a corn field.

Came back to the buildings.

Ultimately gathered it all up and asked if I could go inside one of the buildings.

Said "I'm a photographer".

Additionally, Sufjan Stevens was on Austin City Limits last night. I've been watching it on a loop. Where did he come from? He has got such a gift.
Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day

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sufjan has daddy issues, and other boys I don't understand

While I was sitting alone in my car tonight, my Zune (which is partially intuitive, of course. Not like those damn iPods.) decided to play 'Seer's Tower' by Sufjan Stevens. He is amazing but he has issues. Daddy issues. 'Illinoise' is ripe with them. The lyrics to Seer's tower go:

"In the tower above the earth,
There is a view that reaches far
Where we see the universe,
I see the fire, I see the end.

Seven miles above the earth,
There is Emmanuel of mothers.
With his sward, with his robe,
He comes dividing man from brothers.

In the tower above the earth, we built it for Emmanuel.
In the powers of the earth, we wait until it rips and rips.
In the tower above the earth, we built it for Emmanuel.
Oh my mother, she betrayed us, but my father loved and bathed us.

Still I go to the deepest grave,
Where I go to sleep alone."

Yeah, OKAY, Sufjy. Whatever. You must be making enough for some kind of therapy at this point.

The reason I was sitting alone in my car is because I had recently made a phone call to an old friend and was sitting in the parking lot to see if I would get a response.

Here's the thing...this old friend of mine, I haven't spoken to him since May. So that's about 8 months. This person is also my oldest friend (well, not oldest age wise, that would be Nickolas (ha ha cheap shot), but oldest as in longest.) and I've known him since I was 15.

Ah, what does it matter, anyway? People come in and out of our lives like the breeze. There are those who stay and those who go. There are those who stay for a while and then those who are as fleeting as a breath. It's not a choice thing.

I'm tired of the being angry. I know that it won't be the same but what ever IS the same, really? And is being the same good?

So I sat. Listening to that Sufjan song and glancing up at the windows above me.

I didn't get an answer.

Perhaps I don't deserve one. I know I have been a shit in my life. But there is shittiness on both sides. But I want to put all that shit behind me. And start on some new shit. Start a whole new shitty book and shitty times and good times.

Because that is life.

i <3 PBS

currently watching: American Masters: Annie Leibowitz. She is amazing.

currently loving: solitude, the thought of sleep, Spoon's 'Gimmie Fiction'.

currently wishing: I lived in the 60's, had a little more money, was somewhere warm and beautiful that smells like incense and flowers

currently feeling: poor, anxious for my tax return, nervous about money

Almost finished with 'Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim'. Looking to read Prime Green: Remembering the Sixties by Robert Stone, maybe some stuff by Tom Wolff.

enjoy your rabbit

I'm what you might call a music snob or...music elitist. I listen to stuff that I think is good, disregard the standard poppy/rappy crap and voice my musical opinion to whoever listens. I have strong opinions about Madonna's last album and her albums before that. I have issues with Coldplay's latest album, to whom I feel betrayed. It's good to have an opinion about SOMETHING, my 8th grade English teacher told me during a debate portion of our class. To have an opinion meant you had a brain, with thoughts in it. My father, while I was working on my index cards for my Pro-Life side of our debate the next day, said I was too young to have an opinion, that I hadn't had enough experience to have anything to say about anything. That's stuck with me since. So if I have an opionion, or if something rocks, or sucks, I tell you. Because I have an opinion. You don't have to listen, but I'm going to tell you what I think.

And here's the what. I have become increasingly aware over the past, well, three years that there are bands out there that basically exist under the horizon line, never bobbing up onto the the surface, happy blowing bubbles under the water of near-obscurity.

I like these bands. I like the indie-don't-give-shit-we'll-put-out-our-own-record-and-tour-in-my-mom's-van attitude. I want to keep them in my pocket. I want them to stay small and not want to get famous and tour tiny little venues and shhh...just don't go on TRL, promise. And when they do get big, I kind of back away going "Who the HELL are you?" Ah, Coldplay. They broke my heart. They could've been SMALL, I tell you! They could've just remained on that slow-mo, out of focus Yellow beach forever. Ok, Rush of Blood to Head kicked ASS. But that started their rapid, steady decline into Crapdom. They could've been great.

But I digress...

I think this is why I like Wilco, Spoon, Neko Case and some others so much. Wilco has existed for SO long and they've only had one "major" hit, which was 'Box Full of Letters' which hit the charts when I was effing high school, for Christ's sake. These bands seem to exist in my head, my own private orchestra, full of emotion and hidden meaning. Listening makes me feel better. It makes me think and dance and write and sing. I feel lucky to have them, knowing I'll NEVER have to make choice between listening to Fergie's new album or that great new P Diddy single. God, it makes me want to put my head through a plate glass window, it really does. It's almost unbearable. Ugh.

Music is important to me. It's a tangible memory. It's a memory I can listen to.

Playlist from this evening (as you can see, the Zune shuffle can be a bit weird)
Mer Girl, Madonna
29, Ryan Adams
Believe, Gus Gus
Polybackwards, Gus Gus
Nature is the Law, Richard Ashcroft
Small Stakes, Spoon
The Two Sides of Monsieru Valentine, Spoon ("Every morning, I've got a new chance.")
They're Winning, the Walkmen
Kicking Television (live), Wilco
Blues Die Hard, Uncle Tupelo
Year of Our Lord, Sufjan Stevens
Heaven, the Talking Heads
My Mathematical Mind, Spoon (possibly one of my favorite songs...Britt Daniel has one of the voices, man.)
Death of a Disco Dancer, the Smiths
God Put a Smile Upon Your Face, Coldplay
Love is the New Feel Awful, the Dandy Warhols

manufactured anger

I'm watching a brilliant documentary on IFC right now called "Punk: Attitude". I really enjoy watching documentaries and I love listening to people with something to say. It's about the underground punk scene in the 70's, 80's and 90's. They've got Chrissie Hynde and Henry Rollins yacking about the punk scene. It's very special. If you're into it, it's on again this afternoon. I love Henry Rollins. He's not afraid to say exactly what he means.

I LOVE IFC. I love their stuff, I love the movies they play. It's like PBS with a middle finger. There's a new movie coming out, done in the style of 1940's film noir called "The Good German". It's going to be Cate Blanchett's year, I think. I hope it comes to the Colonial.

It's a dark, rainy New Year's day. I've got to go to my parents to do laundry at some point. Ugh. My brain is all foggy. I'm getting old.

am

Good morning. It's 6AM and I've been up since about 4:30. I'm not sure why exactly. I had a leetle too much margarita last night so I'm not totally sure what time I went to bed. I'm not usually a morning person either but I got bored just lying here so I got up, had some cereal and 13 gallons of water and surfed the web a bit.

I'm looking to make a BIG purchase in 2007--a Nikon d50 camera. It's something that I really want and really think that I'll use so I've made my mind up. I would really like to take a photography class and learn more and get better because I truly, truly enjoy it. I've done a lot of reading and comparisons online so I feel I know what I'm doing and know what I'm getting. I've looked at the d70 but it almost looks like too much camera and I'm afraid if I'm intimidated by it, I won't use it. I know that I could probably stash that cash in the bank or something but it's my money and I'll do what I want with it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll have enough from my tax return because, if not, I'm staying with my Canon.

My sister is a big fan of Hunter S. Thompson. She's read all his books. I can't get into them. I wish I could. They just released a book of his photos which I wanted to get my sister for her birthday--but it's $300. You can see some of the pictures here.

The thing I love about photography is that it freezes a moment in time. Any time photos are recovered that are old and contain moments we've forgotten is so completely awesome.

trivial

Ah, the ins and outs of new technology.

I asked for a Zune for Christmas this year. I'm "anti" iPod...meaning I don't see the point of iTunes. I stopped buying CDs years ago, relying on the disease ridden whore of the internet, Limewire, for my music. I understand that artists want to get paid but honestly--aren't they getting paid enough? I pay $15 a month and get unlimited downloads. I've downloaded 78 albums in the last two days...with an average of 10 songs per album, that almost 800 songs. For $15. Hello? Am I the only one scratching my head?

Yes, I know Microsoft is an evil, heartless empire--but so is America. I mean, c'mon. It's all the same money, people. And yes, as backrubby, pallyaroundy Apple is, they're catering to the same market, with the same promises. They're just doing it better than Microsoft. They've managed to convince the world that the world NEEDS iPod. I guess I would feel differently if I had an enormous CD collection but thanks to an old friend, most of collection was stolen out of the back of a car a few years ago. And anyway, tastes change. Why must I got out and buy a CD if I want an album? CDs are a dead technology. They'll be like VHS in a year or two. And why should I have to pay full price? Music should be free...or at the very least, rented for a monthly fee.

Please. Stop paying these people too much money. Maybe if we stop paying her so much Britney Spears won't be able to afford another kid professionally OR financially. The more kids she spits out the longer we're going to have to read about them in the press. Britney is the new Elvis, anyway. There's young Britney and now there's Fat Britney. Pretty soon she'll slip in the bathroom and pass out between the toliet and the tub and we'll be voting for which postal stamp we want.

Which is why I'm against iPods.

It's all Britney's fault.

picture from Gallery of the Absurd