Sunday, February 03, 2002

It's like Nicole went inside my head and blurted out everything I've been thinking and feeling over the last couple of days...hell, the last couple of weeks...months even.
I've suspected it from the start. That he's like that Garbage song...only happy when it rains. Only content when things are complicated and smiling when life sucks the very most, thriving off his own pain...only truly feeling alive when he can rage out about the newest bane on his existance. He'll apply for jobs, but won't call them back until a week later, at 6pm on a Friday night and get all mad when the managers are all gone.
And I feel like I'm drowning in it.
I told my parents when he quit his job I would give him until February to find a job and get his life back on track or I would move home. But I don't want to move home. I know that's it's there and it always will be, but I know it's someplace that I can't and won't go back to. I promised him I would stick by him and be his friend until the end, that I wouldn't give up on him, that I wouldn't lose faith in him.
But you can't have faith in someone who has no faith in themselves. Who hates themself more than anyone ever could. Who sees themselves as unloved and unliked, as a sub-human being, not worth the second glance of some guy on the street, much less a potential employer. It's emotionally draining, to sit through one of his now famous temper tantrums, to see him fling inanimate objects about the living room like an overly-tall two year old who's been told to put his toys away and go to bed. To listen to his own self-loathing incantations until my own heart hurts. It's so hard to even try to give him a hand up when it seems all he wants is hand out.
And to be perfectly honest, I can't afford this anymore. I'm completely broke. I'm emotionally broke. I'm tired of listening to him complain about his life and not do anything to change it. To see him only half-try because he's sure he's going to fail...that it's not worth it. That nothing is worth it. That he should just give up.
And I want to tell him to give up. To just throw in the towel and get it over with already. But I can't because I can't stand to see him suffering the way he does.
And I can't afford $600.00 a month by myself.
So how much longer can I do this?
And why did I write all this?

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