I have been extremely negative lately. You know that feeling when you can't stop scowling...when your eyebrows are constantly furrowed and you know you're pulling a face and you can't stop? Negative, negative, negative. Last night, after a passive aggressive argument with soon-to-be-ex-roommate, I couldn't sleep. My stomach gnawed and bucked for hours. I laid there, feeling hot and sweaty, my heart was pounding and kept repeating "Why? Why? Why?" over and over in my head.
Does negativity create negativity? Does feeling crappy on the inside lead to feelings of crap on the outside? My mother has always said I am overly sensitive, like an emotional antennae, that I pick up every emotional vibration within a 10 mile radius. I feel it on a very cellular level. If you feel like shit, I feel like shit. Last night it was like a tremendous elephant of pissed off emotion was sitting on my chest. An awkward, passive aggressive elephant on my chest--it's not fun. And it wasn't just last night. It's been happening for weeks. I swear more, I say terrible things that I don't mean, I find myself getting sucked into the did-you-hear-about-so-and-so-isn't-so-and-so-stupid bullshit that I've I've been trying to wean myself from.
This negativity makes things not funny. I haven't been overjoyed with anything lately, everything sucks. And me thinking everything sucks is making...everything...suck. It's making everything negative: my bank account, my attitude towards everything and I think it's even affecting people around me. I feel like a little black rain cloud.
So, to counteract this mass campaign of negativity, I am going to do my own version of participation positives to get me on the right track. I KNOW it should be on a Monday but I think it should still count. So here goes:
+My mom bailing me out and loving me and worrying about me NO MATTER WHAT. She is amazing. I don't tell her enough. I LOVE YOU MOM!
+Being awake at 4:30am to see the sunrise.
+The way Lily wakes me up in the morning...every morning...at 5am.
+Seeing my sister smile and knowing that she is in love.
+Ice coffee buzz.
+The way Jed says "Good morning!"
+Laughing at my own ridiculous behavior.
+A quiet office.
+Feeling better by the minute.
Have a good day!