Have you ever had a life changing moment?
What are they called, epiphanies. Yeah. I had an epiphany.
I've really been screwing up lately. Forgetting how old I am, forgetting I was once nearly responsible, forgetting how truly lucky I am to be as lucky as I am.
So, it's been a week since I've written in this thing and I feel badly before it since I'm such a guilt junkie.
My stomach hurts like it hasn't hurt in monthes. Pain is a signal that something's wrong and it's taken me all this time to discover why I feel so sick and tired all the time.
Sitting at Chrissi's tonight made me realize that I'm just not a college girl. I know that it's such a good thing to go to college, but I don't want to go anymore. I'm not into it, my head's not there. I've been skipping classes like the irresponsible person I am, generally being a lazyass and wasting my parents' money...and mine.
I don't know anymore. Well, I do know. I know I have to stop fucking up and stick out this semester at Keene State, I owe that much to my parents and to myself, along with the teachers. I just wish someone would understand why I am the way I am. Why the hell do I skip class so much? Should I psychoanalyze myself? Is it because I feel like I can't do it? Hell, no. I know I can. Is it because I feel intimidated? Not really. I just don't like being in intimate groups. Is it because I have some weird mental problem? Probably. It's weird. I have so much fun with people I know, so it's not a social anxiety problem. What is it? Someone just tell me so I can take a pill for it and get on with this sad little life.
But even now, sitting here, looking at what I wrote and hearing what I'm telling myself in my head, I don't know if I'll get up and go to class tomorrow. I keep singsonging to myself "You have to go, you have to go." I'm missing so much and this is no way to start a year at school. I should be learning and enjoying the knowledge my little brain is soaking in and I'm NOT. I'm not enjoying school. I have no interest in it anymore. I need to take a semester off and reevaluate my life. So what if it's what my parents' dread most. Going to college and not GOING to college is wasting their money and time. Why should I waste everyone's time being a total dumbass and screwing up what is supposed to be the best years of my life? I can not go to college and get a perfectly wonderful job, so there. I'm thumbing my nose at everyone who says that a job needs a piece of paper saying I went to all my gen. eds. and didn't die of alcohol poisoning. You can't do shit with a BA or BS anyway, a masters' is where the money is and whoever heard of mastering in web design? My personal feeling on the subject is that you have to have the talent. You can't learn it in a book. You can read about how to do something, but you have to have a flair and an artistic vision. You have to be comfortable. I know that a lot of that is learned, but I don't think that I'll learn anything in college that I don't know how to do, or can't learn how to do, out of college. I can be successful if I want to be, and freaking myself out with college and classes and shit just isn't worth it. I know I'm not happy and I want to change that. Take a leave of absence and then decide over the five months, plus the summer, if I want to go back.
I need to get my head on straight. I see Chrissi and see how together she is after being so far apart. She knows what she wants...and she didn't have to go to college to figure that out. She's teaching for Christ's sake, what she always wanted to do, without college.
I've got to talk to my parents' about this, but I also have to finish out this semester with passing grades. I'll go to class tomorrow early enough to catch Rydner's office hours, talk it out with him. And email my Sociology professor and try to explain what goes on in my head.
Grant me strength.