Saturday, August 19, 2000

I am so tired right now, I can hardly see straight. Who knew responsibility could be so damn exhausting?

I really don't know how this shiftleading thing is going to work out. Part of me thinks that I'm really doing a good job and part of me thinks that I have no control, that the place is chaotic and that no one listens to me, especially Parris and the other guys. I know Ania told me not to take things so personally, and I don't think that's it. I mean, I know I'm ultrasensitive and I try my hardest not to let them get to me, but I always end up counting the minutes until my next nic fix, something I don't want to do anymore, but can't seem to stop. I get stressed, I smoke. And with my new position, I'm stressed ALL THE TIME, from the moment I get there until the moment I leave.

God, I can't wait for my day off.

The thing that is really starting to scare me is school. Classes start the 28th! How the hell did that happen? Where did my summer go? I've got to talk to a counselour about getting into computer science program. I'm so far behind, though, I don't know why I'm even worrying about a major right now. I'm not looking forward to the 45 minute commute from Keene and back every damn day, sometimes twice a day. It would be so much easier if I had a place in Keene, but as of now, I have no idea where I would have the money to pay for it. I got a raise when I became shiftleader, but I don't know when that kicks in and it wasn't a large amount, only $.50. Maybe I'll get my next 90 day raise soon and then I'll be up to eight bucks an hour. That would be nice. I'm so tired of being broke all the time and not being able to do stuff I want to do, but I hate putting so many goddamn miles on my car and filling my tank so much.

Ah, well...such is life. What the else am I going to do? My mother keeps warning me about how hard it is to work fulltime and go to school fulltime. I know it's going to be hard. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it, but right now, all I want to do is get the hell out of college and get on with my life, with a nice little techy job somewhere with a little apartment for Penny and me. I can dream, can't I?

Maybe I'll call Neil tomorrow and see if he want to go to the mall on Thursday. I have a million and two Lane Bryant coupons and my credit card is all paid off, so I can spend like a demon. Lane Bryant's new spokesmodel is Anna Nicole Smith...isn't that delightfully trashy? I also want to check out Banana Republic.

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