sentimental geek

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

2012-01-08T21:23:00.000-05:00

Part of me wants to write about this. About how death is scary. Death is quiet. Death is peace. Part of me wants to write about how unfair it is that my cousin will have to think every year, on her birthday, that this was the day that her mother passed on.

Part of me wants to write how important it is to say "I love you" to every one you love every day because you never know when it's going to be the last time you see them. The last time they see you.

But I can't. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to say to someone who has just lost their mother. I don't know what I will do on that awful day. I just wish her love and peace. So much love and so much peace.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e e cummings

i think i can

2012-01-07T20:32:00.000-05:00

So it's 2012 and we're all still here. Personally, I was hoping for an apocalypse-type-thing because I am the world's greatest procrastinator. I start books, diets, exercise regimes, blogs (ahem) with no intention of ever finishing them. I don't believe in will power, at least not in the sense that I have any at all. Shiny things get my attention. I just have issues, yo. Look, I'm even starting my resolutions list a week late! I win.

But in the interest of actually having 2012 be different from 2011 (and 2010 and 2009...you get the idea), I WOULD like to make a few changes in my life. Accomplish something. Do something. So here is my wishlist for 2012. I think ten is reasonable, so boom:

Quit smoking, for crying out loud. Not only is it reallyreallyREALLY expensive (and also kinda gross, I KNOW), I am basically limiting almost everything in my life for this one vice. A pack-a-day vice, which makes me sound like an aging classic rock singer or a trucker. It makes me spend way to o much money for paper and dried up plant. It makes my lungs hurt. It makes me gaspy and coughy. Not sure the way to go, though. Due to other medications, chantix seems like it might not be for me. e-cigarettes = more smoking. The patch gives me weird dreams. The gum tastes like shit. Oh, shit. I'm talking myself out of it already. For realsies. I'm going to throw-down like the detox scene in Trainspotting. Except for the suppositories and toilet diving.
Move that ass. Due to my crazy-ass smoking, exercise has been out of the picture for over a year. I've gained weight, which I hate so much, since I was not exactly a skinny girl to begin with. I wanna climb stairs without feeling like I'm going to die.
It's all about the Benjamins I seriously have to concentrate on saving in 2012, especially for reason #4. I plan to do this two-fold: get a 401K plan started at work (yes I KNOW it's insane that I don't have one.) and put away as much as I can a paycheck. I need some cushion in case, oh, I don't know, my insanely effed up car decides to shit the bed for good.
MOVE OUT After 9 years of living on my own, I had some issues that landed me back with my parents. That was November 2010. I need my own place. Preferably in-town, two-bedroom, accepts a dog and two cats, including heat, hot water and snow removal. Also must not be ghetto or directly next door to a KSC frat house. Big windows and walking distance to work a plus. Walking distance to bars a plus plus.
Read more. Like, a lot more Remember how I said I couldn't finish a book? Yeah, it's EPIC. I have total book ADD (I blame NPR and Huffington Post. Also Oprah--I can't help it. That bitch knows EVERYTHING.) My goal is to read one a week. My brain needs the exercise. Today I started 'The Tiger's Wife' by Tea Obreht.
Spend more time with my family. So it may seem counterproductive to want to move away from my family but also be closer to them, but I have good reason to want this. Last month, a family member was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and was given days to live. It may seem dramatic, but seeing all my aunts that I haven't seen in years has made me want to be closer to my sister, my brother, my parents, my grandmother. It's all about making the effort. You never know what will happen. And it's never too late.
Get crafty Learn to crochet. Learn to knit. Sew my own curtains. Anything but scrapbook. If you see me near a Cricut, I give you permission to smack a bitch.
Get a tattoo. Yeah. So. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want one.
Get my passport stamped, damn it. I didn't travel in 2011 and my passport is totally pouting about it. Amsterdam, Scandinavia, Columbia, Prague (again?), India? Anywhere but here, yo. I need to move about this world. I get nervous when I haven't been completely cursed out in a foreign language after awhile. Canada counts, too. I've never been to Montreal. Would love to hit up the West Coast and see San Francisco or Seattle. Or Portland. Or anywhere.
Fall in love. 'Nuff said. I know you can't force it but I'm doing the work, kissing the frogs and keeping my fingers crossed.

So hopefully I will keep blogging and keep you up to date on how badly I am failing at all of this. 'Til then, ta.

2012-01-07T14:44:00.004-05:00

it's not fair to call it a comeback--my therapist has been bugging me to start writing for the last year and a half. Most of the time, I feel like I don't have much to say. The internet has made the world much smaller and posting intimate details and thoughts makes me as nervous as a whore in church.

Let's just start where I wanna start. I like music. I like photography. I like food. I like my dog.

Sometimes I will post about music I'm listening to. Sometimes I will post pretty pictures. Sometimes I will rant.

Sometimes I'll keep it all in my head. But this space is here. That's what's important.

she gave us a mirror she gave us a map

2007-08-12T17:06:00.001-04:00

she gave us a mirror she gave us a map, originally uploaded by jenlyn.

It started at the old mental hospital in Concord.

Walking around and around. Knocking on doors. Peering in windows.

I just wanted to get in.

Alas, everything happens for a reason.

We got in the car and drove north. Out of Concord. Into the country. Through a cemetery or two. Because I like cemeteries.

We drove past a road that said "Webster Cemetery". I made a quick U-turn because, you know, I like cemeteries.

Drove past three large, abandoned, open brick buildings. Drove past the birthplace of Daniel Webster.

Wondered who the hell Daniel Webster was.

Drove through a corn field.

Came back to the buildings.

Ultimately gathered it all up and asked if I could go inside one of the buildings.

Said "I'm a photographer".

Additionally, Sufjan Stevens was on Austin City Limits last night. I've been watching it on a loop. Where did he come from? He has got such a gift.
Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day

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sufjan has daddy issues, and other boys I don't understand

2007-01-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

While I was sitting alone in my car tonight, my Zune (which is partially intuitive, of course. Not like those damn iPods.) decided to play 'Seer's Tower' by Sufjan Stevens. He is amazing but he has issues. Daddy issues. 'Illinoise' is ripe with them. The lyrics to Seer's tower go:

"In the tower above the earth,
There is a view that reaches far
Where we see the universe,
I see the fire, I see the end.

Seven miles above the earth,
There is Emmanuel of mothers.
With his sward, with his robe,
He comes dividing man from brothers.

In the tower above the earth, we built it for Emmanuel.
In the powers of the earth, we wait until it rips and rips.
In the tower above the earth, we built it for Emmanuel.
Oh my mother, she betrayed us, but my father loved and bathed us.

Still I go to the deepest grave,
Where I go to sleep alone."

Yeah, OKAY, Sufjy. Whatever. You must be making enough for some kind of therapy at this point.

The reason I was sitting alone in my car is because I had recently made a phone call to an old friend and was sitting in the parking lot to see if I would get a response.

Here's the thing...this old friend of mine, I haven't spoken to him since May. So that's about 8 months. This person is also my oldest friend (well, not oldest age wise, that would be Nickolas (ha ha cheap shot), but oldest as in longest.) and I've known him since I was 15.

Ah, what does it matter, anyway? People come in and out of our lives like the breeze. There are those who stay and those who go. There are those who stay for a while and then those who are as fleeting as a breath. It's not a choice thing.

I'm tired of the being angry. I know that it won't be the same but what ever IS the same, really? And is being the same good?

So I sat. Listening to that Sufjan song and glancing up at the windows above me.

I didn't get an answer.

Perhaps I don't deserve one. I know I have been a shit in my life. But there is shittiness on both sides. But I want to put all that shit behind me. And start on some new shit. Start a whole new shitty book and shitty times and good times.

Because that is life.

i <3 PBS

2007-01-03T21:14:00.000-05:00

currently watching: American Masters: Annie Leibowitz. She is amazing.

currently loving: solitude, the thought of sleep, Spoon's 'Gimmie Fiction'.

currently wishing: I lived in the 60's, had a little more money, was somewhere warm and beautiful that smells like incense and flowers

currently feeling: poor, anxious for my tax return, nervous about money

Almost finished with 'Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim'. Looking to read Prime Green: Remembering the Sixties by Robert Stone, maybe some stuff by Tom Wolff.

enjoy your rabbit

2007-01-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm what you might call a music snob or...music elitist. I listen to stuff that I think is good, disregard the standard poppy/rappy crap and voice my musical opinion to whoever listens. I have strong opinions about Madonna's last album and her albums before that. I have issues with Coldplay's latest album, to whom I feel betrayed. It's good to have an opinion about SOMETHING, my 8th grade English teacher told me during a debate portion of our class. To have an opinion meant you had a brain, with thoughts in it. My father, while I was working on my index cards for my Pro-Life side of our debate the next day, said I was too young to have an opinion, that I hadn't had enough experience to have anything to say about anything. That's stuck with me since. So if I have an opionion, or if something rocks, or sucks, I tell you. Because I have an opinion. You don't have to listen, but I'm going to tell you what I think.

And here's the what. I have become increasingly aware over the past, well, three years that there are bands out there that basically exist under the horizon line, never bobbing up onto the the surface, happy blowing bubbles under the water of near-obscurity.

I like these bands. I like the indie-don't-give-shit-we'll-put-out-our-own-record-and-tour-in-my-mom's-van attitude. I want to keep them in my pocket. I want them to stay small and not want to get famous and tour tiny little venues and shhh...just don't go on TRL, promise. And when they do get big, I kind of back away going "Who the HELL are you?" Ah, Coldplay. They broke my heart. They could've been SMALL, I tell you! They could've just remained on that slow-mo, out of focus Yellow beach forever. Ok, Rush of Blood to Head kicked ASS. But that started their rapid, steady decline into Crapdom. They could've been great.

But I digress...

I think this is why I like Wilco, Spoon, Neko Case and some others so much. Wilco has existed for SO long and they've only had one "major" hit, which was 'Box Full of Letters' which hit the charts when I was effing high school, for Christ's sake. These bands seem to exist in my head, my own private orchestra, full of emotion and hidden meaning. Listening makes me feel better. It makes me think and dance and write and sing. I feel lucky to have them, knowing I'll NEVER have to make choice between listening to Fergie's new album or that great new P Diddy single. God, it makes me want to put my head through a plate glass window, it really does. It's almost unbearable. Ugh.

Music is important to me. It's a tangible memory. It's a memory I can listen to.

Playlist from this evening (as you can see, the Zune shuffle can be a bit weird)
Mer Girl, Madonna
29, Ryan Adams
Believe, Gus Gus
Polybackwards, Gus Gus
Nature is the Law, Richard Ashcroft
Small Stakes, Spoon
The Two Sides of Monsieru Valentine, Spoon ("Every morning, I've got a new chance.")
They're Winning, the Walkmen
Kicking Television (live), Wilco
Blues Die Hard, Uncle Tupelo
Year of Our Lord, Sufjan Stevens
Heaven, the Talking Heads
My Mathematical Mind, Spoon (possibly one of my favorite songs...Britt Daniel has one of the voices, man.)
Death of a Disco Dancer, the Smiths
God Put a Smile Upon Your Face, Coldplay
Love is the New Feel Awful, the Dandy Warhols

manufactured anger

2007-01-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

I'm watching a brilliant documentary on IFC right now called "Punk: Attitude". I really enjoy watching documentaries and I love listening to people with something to say. It's about the underground punk scene in the 70's, 80's and 90's. They've got Chrissie Hynde and Henry Rollins yacking about the punk scene. It's very special. If you're into it, it's on again this afternoon. I love Henry Rollins. He's not afraid to say exactly what he means.

I LOVE IFC. I love their stuff, I love the movies they play. It's like PBS with a middle finger. There's a new movie coming out, done in the style of 1940's film noir called "The Good German". It's going to be Cate Blanchett's year, I think. I hope it comes to the Colonial.

It's a dark, rainy New Year's day. I've got to go to my parents to do laundry at some point. Ugh. My brain is all foggy. I'm getting old.

am

2006-12-30T06:06:00.000-05:00

Good morning. It's 6AM and I've been up since about 4:30. I'm not sure why exactly. I had a leetle too much margarita last night so I'm not totally sure what time I went to bed. I'm not usually a morning person either but I got bored just lying here so I got up, had some cereal and 13 gallons of water and surfed the web a bit.

I'm looking to make a BIG purchase in 2007--a Nikon d50 camera. It's something that I really want and really think that I'll use so I've made my mind up. I would really like to take a photography class and learn more and get better because I truly, truly enjoy it. I've done a lot of reading and comparisons online so I feel I know what I'm doing and know what I'm getting. I've looked at the d70 but it almost looks like too much camera and I'm afraid if I'm intimidated by it, I won't use it. I know that I could probably stash that cash in the bank or something but it's my money and I'll do what I want with it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll have enough from my tax return because, if not, I'm staying with my Canon.

My sister is a big fan of Hunter S. Thompson. She's read all his books. I can't get into them. I wish I could. They just released a book of his photos which I wanted to get my sister for her birthday--but it's $300. You can see some of the pictures here.

The thing I love about photography is that it freezes a moment in time. Any time photos are recovered that are old and contain moments we've forgotten is so completely awesome.

trivial

2006-12-27T20:53:00.000-05:00

Ah, the ins and outs of new technology.

I asked for a Zune for Christmas this year. I'm "anti" iPod...meaning I don't see the point of iTunes. I stopped buying CDs years ago, relying on the disease ridden whore of the internet, Limewire, for my music. I understand that artists want to get paid but honestly--aren't they getting paid enough? I pay $15 a month and get unlimited downloads. I've downloaded 78 albums in the last two days...with an average of 10 songs per album, that almost 800 songs. For $15. Hello? Am I the only one scratching my head?

Yes, I know Microsoft is an evil, heartless empire--but so is America. I mean, c'mon. It's all the same money, people. And yes, as backrubby, pallyaroundy Apple is, they're catering to the same market, with the same promises. They're just doing it better than Microsoft. They've managed to convince the world that the world NEEDS iPod. I guess I would feel differently if I had an enormous CD collection but thanks to an old friend, most of collection was stolen out of the back of a car a few years ago. And anyway, tastes change. Why must I got out and buy a CD if I want an album? CDs are a dead technology. They'll be like VHS in a year or two. And why should I have to pay full price? Music should be free...or at the very least, rented for a monthly fee.

Please. Stop paying these people too much money. Maybe if we stop paying her so much Britney Spears won't be able to afford another kid professionally OR financially. The more kids she spits out the longer we're going to have to read about them in the press. Britney is the new Elvis, anyway. There's young Britney and now there's Fat Britney. Pretty soon she'll slip in the bathroom and pass out between the toliet and the tub and we'll be voting for which postal stamp we want.

Which is why I'm against iPods.

It's all Britney's fault.

picture from Gallery of the Absurd

time isn't holding us...time isn't after us

2006-12-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

I've been reading my horoscope and it seems very promising. But isn't that the point of horoscopes? You'll never find one that says "Today you'll step in dog poo." or "You're going to be hit by a mail truck in March." But regardless, I'm on my 12 year switcheroo. I'm a little weirded out by what may happen.

From FreeWill Astrology:

Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! My gift for you is the following oracle: A breakthrough you were blessed with in 1995 will be coming back around in 2007. How? Three possible ways: (1) You'll be inspired to make changes to whatever sprung from that original breakthrough 12 years ago. (2) You'll be visited by a new version of that breakthrough, on a higher octave this time. (3) You'll attempt a quantum leap that resembles the original, but happens in a different area of your life.

I've been trying to figure out what happened to me in 1995 but thanks to ganj and nonstick cookware, it took me a while to figure out that in 1995 I was 15. What the fuck was I doing when I was 15? What were YOU doing in 1995? What does it mean?

10 on Tuesday

2006-12-19T22:29:00.000-05:00

10 Best Things That Happened to You This Year

1. MOVED OUT OF MANCHESTER. I actually could just leave that and be done. Best. Decision. Ever.
2. Went to Japan with Nickolas. Absolutely fucking amazing.
3. Reconnected with Dani and her family.
4. Faced the music financially and finally started paying that piper.
5. Got my own apartment finally.
6. Had a redneck hillbilly mechanic break my SIRIUS antennae, fought with Radioshack and got a new antennae and a new camera.
7. Arlo.
8. Got over my fear of flying (for now).
9. Got some help to start feeling normal.
10. Saw Wilco TWICE.

Is it Easter yet?

2006-12-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'm told that this is a common feeling this year, but I don't feel very Christmas-y. There's no snow. I have no tree, which is not entirely the problem since I haven't had a tree in three years. I have a little itty bitty tree on my TV that can stay there until the Fourth of July for all I care--I hardly notice it. And other than the obnoxious lights on the doublewide up the road, I don't think I would know it was Christmas except for this sudden, palatable urge the strikes me every so often.

Presents?

It is true. I have little to no money for presents this year. It bums me out a little because, unfortunately, I know that sometimes people expect gifts. I just don't have the cash. I'm baking loaves of yummy bread to give away with jars of homemade peach jam. I'm buying into the materialistic side of the holiday because I've never done this before--made my own gifts. Why do I feel like it's a cop out?

In the days of my youth...scratch that. When I was young and stupid, I would have blown half my rent and the rest of my bill money on extravagant gifts for my friends and family. And I would buy for everybody. I would buy for people who weren't close friends. I would just, y'know, pick something up. Did it make them like me any better? I can honestly say, for all the random Christmas shoppery in my past, I doubt I can count one person who I last-minute-guilt-gifted as a near and dear.

I know that this is silly, materialistic and pointless talk. Christmas is, of course, about family and friends and reflection. For me, it means going to Christmas Eve services with my family and playing hangman with my sister and laughing about how my brother sings the hymns. We are an embarrassing lot, us Children. We snicker and make faces and roll our eyes and our grandmother just smiles and offers us stale gum from the bottom of her purse. After the services, we duck out and go up to my grandmother's house, where there's a cache of food and the Christmas Story to watch and younger cousins to laugh at.

It's the same every year.

But this year, it's like all the spirit and fun just got sucked out. Seattle has, begrudgingly, gotten all of our snow. I dislike winter, but I dislike it even more when the convenient white cover is stripped away, allowing us to see and smell the rotting world around us. Usually, the snow takes away the smell of composting leaves but without it, the world smells putrid. I'm not asking for a lot of snow. Just enough to make things pretty. And smell better.

on the roadshow, the most annoying antiques are the people

2006-12-18T20:27:00.000-05:00

Oh, PBS. Can it be true? Is the endless nuclear winter of fundraising finally dawning into a education-filled spring?

They're playing 'Antiques Roadshow'. I almost cried. I watch it and say "It's just a box! Are you nuts!" I've missed the normal programming. I've been flipping around. I should be reading before I slip into early Alzheimer's. However, I do enjoy when people find out that a bunch of kids in China made their mahogany sideboard that their dear old grandma had told them came over on the Mayflower when in actuality she bought it at Ames, and that they might as well chop it up and sell it for firewood. I know, it's a sadisic pleasure. There's a 'Will and Grace' about that. The teapot episode. I also hate when they say "Are you sure?" to the snooty appraisers, like they're on Candid Camera and not a respectable show like 'Antiques Roadshow'.

I've been trying to decide where I should go next year. I think somewhere in Asia again. Possibly Vietnam. Any thoughts?

adventures in alcohol

2006-12-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

The instructions were clear.

"We only have fifteen minutes. Think about what you want. We don't have time for you to be dancing around with a weird bottle of something-or-other."

Yet, while I was collecting an armful of midget-sized bottles of voka which I ultimately put back, Nick was perusing the near-empty shelves of what I have dubbed "the Weird Stuff". Plumb wine, saki, other odd things. I didn't know what I felt like. Yet there he was, dancing around with a bottle of Kijafa, cherry wine from Denmark. He also had a bottle of Reisling and something else. I grabbed a bottle of six dollar champagne and made him choose between his armful of booze.

The Kijafa went well with the champagne, I guess. It was a little too sweet with the champagne, especially since the champagne warm. I went searching this morning to find the real way to drink Kijafa. The one way I found was to mix it with your favorite soda. Mmmmm...like an old skool cherry coke. I waited until it was socially acceptable to have some (it's only like 15% alcohol, anyway) and had some with some Diet Coke. Kijafa is a deep, dark cherry red. Blended with the Coke, it created a syrupy, ruby black. It's yummy. If you're looking for something weird to add to your collection, I can recommend it.

I just sobbed through the second half of 'Tsunami: the AfTermath;'. There are points that you just stop watching and try to imagine what YOU would do if your entire family was swept away. It just rips your heart out.

I made four loaves of bread today. I'm nuts.

why that kid who wrote 'eragon' is full of shit and other ramblings

2006-12-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

This celebrates my return to blogger. Hello.

The thing that I dislike, really, the only thing (except for my child-abusing WT neighbors), about my apartment is the glaring absence of a washing machine and dryer. At this point, I would settle for a washer, a la The Second Marlborough Apartment. I'd string a clothesline out my window and recreate an Irish ghetto in New York in the 20's. At The Second Marlborough Apartment, we'd jam about three loads of clothes into our finicky, loud washing machine. We'd drizzle in the cheapest laundry detergent I could find, the kind that basically just foams a bit and takes a stab at the chicken grease smell on my roommate's clothes, before giving up and getting sucked away into the nether regions of the town's water supply. We'd drape our clothes over a meager clothesline on our closed-in porch, letting them dry in the frigid New Hampshire winter, caking with cigarette ashes and cat hair. When they were dry, you had to roll them with a lint brush for an hour or possibly wash them again. Or be lazy and just throw them on the floor until next week.

That said, it provided us with the luxury of being able to do our laundry without having to traipse down the stairs and into Keene.

I'm at the point where I'm going to haul my clothes down to the little river down the road and beat my laundry against a rock.

The third, less glamorous option is to bring my laundry to the car and make the half an hour drive up to my parents' house and do my laundry in exchange for some hard labor and only a mild dose of parental guilt and Patriots football. This is what I usually do. I see my dog, talk to my parents, watch a few mind-numbing hours of football (or worse, GOLF), do my mom's ironing and clean the bathrooms. Sometimes I stay for supper. Sometimes I brave the barrage of parental guilt and say that I'm not staying for supper. Other times, like today, I make the phone call and say I'm not coming at all.

I just don't feel like it, ok?

My finger hurts. My mother thinks I broke it and that I should go to the hospital. I am typing this right now with my middle finger and my pointer finger on my right hand. My father said I sprained it and laughed when I told him how I, cat sitting for a coworker, slipped on a puddle of cat piss and landed on the porcelain sink with my pinky finger and right shoulder, uttering loud obscenities into an empty house. This also comes after administering third degree burns to my right hand while making bread earlier this week.

I may just amputate my right hand and teach myself to type with my right foot.

However, I don't feel like making the drive today. I'm listening to NPR and reading and making bread and making my apartment messy. I just want to sit in my POANG, read some Sedaris, and listen to the useless, near-maniacal ramblings of the ridiculous woman on 'the Delicious Dish'...otherwise known as 'the Splendid Table'. Whilst listening, I must constantly remind myself that Lynne Rossetto Kasper is not Molly Shannon swooning over Alec Baldwin's Schwetty Balls or tripping her toes off on wild mushrooms with Sean Hayes. It's not SUPPOSED to be funny, Jen.

Luckily, it is slightly, accidentally funny. No one gets that excited talking about kugle. C'mon. She describes a cranberry sorbet in the voice most people reserve to relay a hot night of freaky sex. Maybe she's drunk. Maybe I should be drunk. Maybe I should get drunk, call in, and get her all hot and bothered over German Roasted Nuts.

I'm in a weird mood this afternoon. I've got a champagne headache from last night and I have very little remorse that the bottle and way too many glasses are still hanging out on my coffee table, along with my cereal bowl from this morning. I'm losing the battle with the dirty dishes. I did a whole sinkful (which is not that impressive once I tell you I have a bar sink) this morning and have more to do. Blah. This is boring.

Maybe I'll turn of the radio and tune into the Endless Drama that is My WT next door neighbors.

By the way, that kid who wrote 'Eragon' is full of shit. People like that make me nervous.

konichiwa bitches

2006-03-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

I am moving my blog to Myspace.

I have finally experienced the incredible paranoia upon realization that there are some people out there who I do not want to read this.

I have succumbed to not wanting to share myself with these people.

It sucks but I'm always at Myspace anyway...so I'll put the archives back up in a few days.

And this will be our little secret.

+

2006-02-27T20:05:00.000-05:00

listening: Seven Below, Round Room, Phish

participation positives

+ Got my security deposit back
+ I get to get a new cell phone on Friday (it's the important things, people!)
+ Myspace...it makes me happy
+ Limewire working enough for me to download three Mr. Sex On a Stick Ryan Adams albums this weekend
+ Friday night drink with The Boys
+ shaking off a bad day
+ laughing with my parents over dinner
+ 'Gold'
+ 'Permanent Midnight'...Ben Stiller needs to do more drama
+ remembering to do participation positives

the name's wilder...laura ingalls wilder

2006-02-19T17:23:00.000-05:00

listening: It's Bad You Know, RL Burnside

"The great dark trees of the Big Woods stood all around the house and beyond them were other trees and beyond them were more trees. As far as a man could go to north in a day por a week or a whole month there was nothing but woods. There were no people. There were only trees and the wild animals that made their homes amoung them..."
-The Big Woods, Laura Ingalls Wilder

I grew up in a log cabin on 64 acres of no-bones-about-it wildnerness in southern New Hampshire. There were no neighbors. There was, for a very long time, no phone. There was no FOX network. There was sheep and chickens. There were trees.

I loved growing up in the woods until I was about twelve. I read all of the Little House books and felt like they were written for me. I became aware that other people didn't live like this. Other people had cable. Other people had neighbor kids to play with. Other kids didn't think it was fun to chase sheep and play Rock Shop.

As I've gotten older, I've grown to love the solitude and isolation that my parents' house provides. It's quiet. It's beautiful. You can see the stars. I feel like I'm the only person in the world sometimes and I like that.

HOWEVER, there are times when the novelty wears off...waaay off. Like this weekend, for example. New Hampshire got hit by a windo storm Friday night. I made plans to make dinner for Nick at my parents house and watch a movie (I was all period-y and didn't want to go out and drink). I went to Hannafords and bought a pork tenderloin and some fennel and salad and wine and started the drive up. Halfway down my parent's road I realized there were no lights on at the hpouse of the top of the road. When I got to the driveway I saw the tree on the lines.

Great. No friggin' power. I wanted to cook dinner and go pee and watch a movie. I also freaking hate the dark. And it was DARK. The dogs were freaking out. I got nervous and called Nick and he didn't want to come up and I got mad and tried to start a fire in the woodstove and couldn't. I gave up, locked Chip in his crate and went to Nick's to spend the night and get toasty and eat dinner like I wanted. Saturday morning, I woke up and drove back to my parent's house. Still no power. Chip was pissed at me. I had gone grocery shopping before I got home and bought one of those fire starter logs and made a fire. I turned the couch around and opened the grate on the stove and sat and read Little House books all day. It was glorious. It's kind of like my camping. I bloody hate camping. But I like sitting in a warm house and reading in front of a fire. I made tea on the stove and soup. See, I don't mind the no lights thing until it starts getting dark. Then I get nervous. At about 730pm, I called my grandmother.

My grandmother and I have a very strange relationship. I didn't use to like her, at all. She said terrible things to me but I totally respected her for what she did for her family. It wasn't until the whole fam went down to Orlando for my sister's graduation that I really began to see that she is a very cool lady. She's young, I think, for a grandmother (I call her Nana, BTW). And she hates when people treat her like an old lady. She does the whole Red Hat thing. She swears. She goes to church. She's hilarious. I went down to her house and my Nana and I watched Lifetime movies all night.

This morning, while my Nana went to church, I drove home and a lovely PSNH tree truck followed me home. An hour later, voila! there was lights.

And my Little House moment was over.

So I watched "Dr. No".

I think Laura Ingalls would have watched "Dr. No" if she had electricity, too.

manic monday

2006-02-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen the Dave Chapelle 'Inside the Actor's Studio' yet, try to catch it. The man's a genius. He defines our time. And he wears cool zippies.

New favourite thing: Fresh Lemon Sugar Body Lotion

I'm out.

in love with the world

2006-02-11T21:56:00.000-05:00

Cuz I missed Monday and I'm feeling happy...

+ sweet potato burritos from Armadillos--SO GOOD.
+ key lime pie martinis at 21.
+ Tony's, Tony's, Tony's...damn, I missed that place!...even if the new paint job in the bathroom skeeves me out
+ big mouth lip gloss from philosphy
+ STELLA!
+ old friends
+ Emilie resurfaced--missed you, bitches.
+ walks with the dogs
+ pretending to be a photographer
+ building a fire in the woodstove...you can take the girl out of Winchester but you can't take the Winchester out of the girl.
+ Blue room on BBCradio.

remember when Tom Cruise wasn't crazy?...and other things that make me feel old

2006-02-05T14:51:00.001-05:00

So I've been back in Keene for four days and honestly, it's good to be back. I feel like I belong here more than ever.

Watched Clueless this morning. I told my mother I thought Clueless defined my generation. My parents had Apocolypse Now and American Graffiti and I have Clueless. Does anyone agree with me? Am I totally off my mark here? Now I'm watching the Firm while surfing through Sephora for Good Things. Remember when Tom Cruise did all those great movies in the 90's? I mean, I know some of them sucked (see Cocktail) but the rest of them were great. His current state of nutcase really came out of leftfield. Poor Tommy...

Um, I don't know if anyone saw that NBC is pimping Law & Order this week because Kathleen Turner is guest starring. One of my fave movies growing up was Romancing the Stone and I thought she was great. She's kind of become a charicature of herself. Like, for example...this is how I remember her:

And I almost killed myself laughing when I saw something that was much scarier but very similar to THIS on TV last night:

I'm totally concerned for her. I see where this is going...

"Mr. Perlman, are you trying to seduce me?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I'm so scared.

So I don't really have a lot to say. However, I stole this from Nicole because I think it's a good idea.

27 x 27
(27 things I want to accomplish by the time I'm 27--November 23rd)

1. Sign up for a class at Franklin Pierce.
2. Find an apartment.
3. Go to the doctor.
4. Go SOMEWHERE outside of the Northeast-like California.
5. Lose 50 lbs.
6. Stop chewing my nails.
7. Read a book a month...we'll start small!
8. Pay my parents back most of the money I owe them.
9. Pay off my bloody student loans.
10. Start exercising.
11. Get my hair cut correctly and maintain it so I stop looking like a mop.
12. Take Penny and Lily to the vet for a checkup.
13. Spend a weekend in Boston with my sister.
14. Go to Amsterdam on cheapo depot Icelandair tickets ($150 round trip!)
15. Find a nice boy.
16. Spend quality time with old friends.
17. Save up money for a sweet camera.
18. Get a raise.
19. Stop eating crap.
20. Start learning another language...French, maybe?
21. write more
22. Get a good pair of black heels.
23. Get my eyebrows threaded.
24. Go to Montreal.
25. Listen to good music...no more crap.
26. Fix the antennae on my car so I can actually get radio stations.
27. Lose US Cellular and get a better phone.

I like him better with a mullet, anyway.

2006-01-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

It amuses me more than necessary that you can feed "peter sarsgaard hairy chest photos" into yahoo search and my blog pops up...sorry to whoever came here looking for sordid pics of Mr. Sarsgaard. Hope you weren't too disappointed.

zelda...don't ask.

2006-01-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

Wait...

it's that kind of night

2006-01-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

"it's way too late to think of
someone I would call now
the neon signs got tired
red eye flights help the stars out
I'm safe in a corner
just hours before me

I'm waking with the roaches
the world has surrendered
I'm dating ancient ghosts
[the ones I made friends with]
the comfort of fireflies
long gone before daylight

and if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
if God lent his voice to me to speak
I'd say: "go to bed, world!"

I've always been too lame
to see what's before me
and I know nothing sweeter than
champagne from last new year's
sweet music in my ears
and a night full of no fear

but if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
if God passed the mike to me to speak
I'd say: "stay in bed world

...sleep in peace!"

-03:45: No Sleep, Long Gone Before Daylight, the Cardigans

limbo

2006-01-17T20:09:00.001-05:00

listening: Not the Red Baron, Tori Amos

Here I am...in my trusty hotel room in my trusty hotel, where I spent five months of my life the summer of 2004. I HATE this. I'm stuck between Keene and Manchester...all of things are in Keene; my belongings, the things that I love. I just want to be home. I officially moved from Manchester this weekend, in sixty degree rain on Saturday and 30 below snow on Sunday. Nick says when I move, I flee. I think there's some truth to that now, since I've been mulling that over and over and over in my head. In a way, I WAS fleeing, running for my life. I've been really unhappy lately, driven to distraction by being uncomfortable at work, having to worry about moving. I feel like things are only going to get worse. I think there's a lot of animosity about me moving. I feel like I'm being treated like an idiot...I've gotten yelled at more in the last couple of days than I can remember...like SCREAMED at and I don't get it. This afternoon, I just wanted to shrink up and cry.

On a positive note, I know it won't be long now. Until I'm back where I belong. Until then, something to keep me occupied:

Ten on Tuesday

10 current favorite TV shows

1. Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. King of the Hill
3. Three's Company
4. The Soup
5. The Simpson's
6. Creature Comforts (bbcAmerica)
7. Law & Order CI
8. Sex & the City
9. Footballer's Wives
10. Barefoot Contessa

music is better than special effects...

2006-01-10T20:48:00.000-05:00

listening: Aquarius, Boards of Canada

What is real?

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
~The Wizard of Oz
What is the first special effects or effects heavy film you remember seeing and thinking "wow" at the visuals? (I know for many, it was Star Wars.) What are some recent examples, if any, that wowed you? (Feeling creative today...yeah...creative)

Honestly, I don't think I was boweled over by special effects until the Matrix. It was after came out in the theaters. I was at Mikey's OLD house in Swanzey and there were a lot of us (Mikey, Neil, me, Laura, Pete, Kevin and...and...is her name Rachel?) watching it on the big screen TV. I had to old onto the couch to keep from floating away...if you know what I mean. I was rediculously blown away.

When I was younger, I wasn't really wowed by special effects. I remember always being afraid during 'Flight of the Navigator" at the beginning and during the part where they go back in time. I liked plots more...love stories, action adventure...all the jazz. I didn't care too much for flashy junk. In my later (and toastier) years, I've grown to enjoy visual stimulation (The Waking Life, Amelie, etc.). But I'm not too much of a special fx person...at all. Recently, I was totally blown away by Lord of the Rings...and Harry Potter. :)

I like it loud

2006-01-09T21:17:00.000-05:00

Listening: VH1 Classic, 'Headline Act: Kiss'...yeah, I have no idea

Taken from Liz:

Four jobs I've had:

1. Current job: band air at successful tour operator
I love my job...sorry.
2. Cashier/Shift leader, Hannaford Bros.
The code for bananas is 4011.
3. Hostess at The Pub restaurant.
4. Ashuelot Valley Coffee and Tea Emporium (... and Third Generation Plumbing)
My first "real" job. I think I made $4 an hour.

Four movies I've seen more than once:(this is hard...I watch movies over and over and over)

1. Wonderboys.
I like how warm the movie feels...the light.
2. The Anniversary Party.
I've seen this movie six times...maybe more. I like it more every time I see it.
3. Amelie
It needs to be watched several times.
4. Anchorman
I've counted...I've seen it almost forty times (six being on a flight from Vienna to New York). That makes me want to throw up. It's so funny though!
"You look like a blueberry!"

Four places I've lived

1. Winchester, NH
I'm from the ritzy side...that was a joke.
2. Boston, MA
Will forever be my favorite place on the face of the planet.
3. Marlborough, NH
The time of my life.
4. Manchester, NH
This sucks.

Four TV shows I've seen more than one episode of (are we kidding here?)

1. I Love the 80's (the original and Strikes Back and 3d and 70's and 90's and 90's: Part Deux...oh, yeah...and the stupid Holiday one)
What can I say folks: when I say I watch it whenever it's on...I'm TOTALLY not kidding.
2. CSI
3. Three's Company
I'm obsessed.
4. King of the Hill.
WWAAAHHH...that was for Annie, who can Hank WAY better than me.

Four places I've been on vacation

1. Florida
2. Lake Winneapausaki
3. My House
4. Portland, ME

Four Favorite Foods

1. Cheezit Twister things
They have crack on them.
2. Turkey Clubs
3. Pad Thai
4. Tomatoes

Four places I'd rather be

1. Keene
2. Prague
3. Tony Clamatos'
4. Somewhere Warm.

The four CDs I listened to most recently

1. X&Y, Coldplay
Yeah, we DID break up but we are SOO back together.
2. Best of, Groove Armada
3. Bloc Party
4. Nick's Birthday mix

Last four vehicles IÂ?ve owned

1. Ford Focus, dark grey
named Natascha.
2. VW Golf, mint green
My first actual car. I loved that frickin' car. The doors didn't open, the radio didn't work and the bumper fell off but I LOVED it.
3. Ford Ranger, dark green
Named Teek.
4. Corsica, red
My first car my parents bought. I drove that thing into the ground. It went up Pisgah...that's all I'm saying.

Things in my life that come in fours

1. Penny and Lily...on four legs.
2. Gay men...Neil, Nick, Mickey and James
3. My family.
4. Average amount of times I hit snooze in the morning

shine a light

2006-01-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

listening: "Blue Skies", Groove Armada

Three hundred and fity nine days ago, I was doing the exact same thing I'm doing right now.

Packing.

Yes, this year from hell has finally come to an end. In exactly seven days and one half hour my life here in Manchester will be officially done. I am going through my belongings, throwing stuff out and wrapping things in newspaper, an act I have done four times in the last two years. And, just a note, I LOVE wrapping stuff in newspaper. I like the smell.

It's not even that I have a lot of stuff anymore. Most of it was thrown out or left in Marlborough when I moved in September of 2004. My first apartment in Manchester looked like a refugee camp...or, more accurately, Grace Adler's apartment. I still had stuff in boxes. I know what that means. It means that I don't feel that I will be in that place for very long. If I don't feel comfortable, I don't unpack. And now, in the most uncomfortable place in the world, all my shit is sans boxes. It means I thought I would get comfortable. All I did was go a little nuts. Now I have to sort through it again and decide what I can part with. I really can go either way with things...total packrat or total minimalist. I have a lot of crap I've hung onto for YEARS. Stuff that never left the box when I moved from the Main Street apartment into the Cottage Street Upstairs apartment. Why do I hold onto things? It's not even like it holds emotional value anymore...the motorized monster truck Jen Baker gave me for my 18th birthday, the plastic frog the Freaks from Room 15 gave me at Simon's Rock (Ace), various notes from Nick, VHS tapes (I no longer own a VCR), over ten bottles or tubes of dried up lipstick and nail polish in ugly colors I've never worn. A lot of the stuff I'm throwing out is trash, stuff I've been too lazy to throw up in the last four months. My sister still even has stuff here. It's kind of hard to believe that this time next week I'll never have to set foot in Manchvegas again if I don't want to. Sure, I'll miss people at work (which was actually used as an attempt to sway my decision by someone) but I'll get over it.

And who am I living for, anyway? Work...or me?

Before New Year's I learned the decision was made that I would be back in Keene by February 1st, meaning I only have to live in a hotel for two weeks instead of indefinitely. I didn't really believe it the first time I heard it because, unfortunately, I've learned that most things said in my company are either taken back or denied eventually. So when I heard it again, for rizzle, I couldn't believe it. How can one simple sentence make me so giddy? I'm just glad that I'm going back to Keene. Maybe I'll regret it...but I TOTALLY doubt it.

My sister moved to Cambridge the second week of December and her apartment is frickin' sweet. She's living my dream, folks. She deserves all good things.

I am typing this right now on my new baby...`rents got me a laptop for Christmas....for school....yeah....school....that's the ticket! Seriously, Franklin Pierce looms in my future for next fall. I'm looking forward to getting back in there. Meanwhile, said laptop plays my music and extensive SNL clip librairy and lets me surf. I'm happy.

I will be more happy when I am sleeping under my parents' roof again--safe, warm and home.

christmas time is here

2005-12-22T19:47:00.001-05:00

I am tired.

Christmas isn't my favorite holiday. I don't like the cold. I don't like the crowds. I like the church part for weird reasons and I like Christmas morning because my family has a great routine and it feels good to have something that happens every year, the same way.

But I'm tired...this past week has been hard and the last month has been long and twisted. I am ready to move back to Keene and it's not happening as quickly as I like. I feel like I'm being held hostage at this point-and that's not cool.

And I'm tired.

let me in

2005-12-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

"It's better to leave a misdeed
undone.
A misdeed burns you afterward.
Better that a good deed be done
that, after you've done it,
won't make you burn."

-Dhammapada, 22, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

I was going to blog about how I was wronged yesterday by a coworker, insulted, bitchslapped, humiliated, chastised. About how frighteningly angry I was. How I wanted to burn everything in the world and scream and pound my heels and fists into the floor. About all the terrible things I want to shout. About the thoughts running through my head. About the awful things I DID say.

This arrived in my email this morning.

I let it go.

I am shutting up.

I am forgetting.

I am forgiving.

I am ok.

david

2005-12-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

In memory of David Alan Taylor
April 4th, 1963 - January 11th, 1996
I miss you.

not too positive

2005-11-14T13:58:00.000-05:00

listening: NPR

Not feeling too positive.

Last weekend I made the heart wrenching decision to not find an apartment when I move back home. I asked my parents if I could move back in with them. Honestly, I don't have the money to pay for my apartment currently, rent for ANOTHER apartment with a security deposit, my car, my cellphone and put gas in my car. I just don't have the money. To be clear, to pay for my current apartment and find another apartment, the least it will cost me is $1800.00. That's for an apartment in Keene that costs $600.00 per month, plus security deposit or first/last month rent. That wouldn't even leave me a car payment much less money for food, gas, lights, heat, phone or cable.

Although I know this will be read, I am inclined to say that I am very upset with the lack of support I'm getting from the Gay Squad. I am sick of being lectured and chatised for my decision. And I know I'll be 26 years old *gulp* next week *double gulp* but it's what I need to do. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I am in dire straits right now. I can't continue living without money (and no, I don't have a crack habit). It is just upsetting that the two people who mean the whole world to me can't be supportive. Or happy. Or at least have the sense to understand that this is embarressing and upsetting enough for me and I don't need my two best friends being about as a supportive as an broken underwire bra. Six months will give me enough savings to pay off my student loans, save for a condo/house/whatever, pay off my credit cards, pretty much pay back my parents, pay down my car by almost half of what I owe and pay off all those piddly little bills that have been plaguing my credit report (some of which, let us remember, were not all incured by ME). And I resent the implication that I would react the same way if the tables were turned. I think it's pretty damn frightening and presumptious for one to think that I would not be supportive if one of my dear friends made the choice to save some money and move back home. I don't think it says a lot of our friendship that someone would think I would do that, as I have loaned money in the past to said person without any inkling of disdain or scorn. There is more I could say, but in the interest of not sounding like a bitch and saying things I will regret/delete later, I'm going to stop myself, take a deep breath and concentrate on more positive things--like saving $1000.00 a month.

Phew.

Sorry. Anyways, pretty uneventful weekend. Woke up at 7am on Saturday and went to Dollar Bill's in Derry and got some Christmas shopping done. If you're from the area, you'll recognize "Dollar Bill" as the coked up, meth'd out guy with the dollar bill umbrella hat who airs these crazy infomercials at 4am on local TV. His store is like the mother of all dollar stores. I loved it. On the way home I stopped at the Grandview Flea Market in Derry and picked up a knock-off Pink Burberry purse for $10.00--godbless the black market. I'm also on vacation starting Thursday until Monday the 28th--YAHOO. No work and all play makes me very very happy.

my name is mud

2005-11-02T09:19:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and you know it's just going to suck? That you should really just stay home?

I sometimes feel like I've wasted the last five years of my life. When you work with people for five years you think there is a comradarie, a rapport...and they kick you under the bus.

I want to go home.

participation positives

2005-11-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

+ being caught up at work--I mean REALLY caught up, not the caught up you tell yourself to make yourself think you're caught up
+ Reading again and feeding my head. Currently finished 'The Coldest Winter' by Paula Fox and 'Jesus Land' by Julia Scheeres, which I actually just finished last night at about 1 am, sniffling and sobbing. It was fantastic. 'The Coldest Winter' was good, but quite short and I finished it in an aftenoon. I was going to go to B&N (which I hate, BTW. Borders is so much more organized!!) on my lunch break but I can't find my debit card anywhere. I have 'The Namesake' at home, which I bought to read when I went to Europe, which was year ago this Saturday, so I think I'll read that.
+ Cooking for my sister
+ Finding the song from the HBO commericial: John Butler Trio, What You Want. It's on Rhapsody, ch-ch-check it out. I like it--a lot.
+ aimless shopping Saturday afternoon

My eyes are hurting again so I'm cutting this post short.

Laters.

yikes

2005-10-28T11:28:00.000-04:00

Picked up our India partner at the airport today. There's something about airports, isn't there? Standing in the kiosk, waiting for the plane to arrive, I was hit with the unmistakable urge to bolt. I have money in my bank account--just buy a ticket to somewhere and say bye, bitches. Why do I always feel that need to escape? It was overpowering. I stood there as the minutes ticked by, sipping my coffee, wondernig where I would go.

I'm not traveling this year with the company, due to moving expenses I may incur. It bums me out. Japan was finally sounding interesting. Old roommate is going to Germany. And although it's where I want to be, Keene is sounding less and less exotic.

I've been having weird dreams lately. The kind where you're pissed off at people in your life because of what they did to you in your dream. Weird, weird dreams. I've been worrying about money in my head, worrying about what's going to happen when I move back. Will there be enough work for me to do? Will I feel useful or just stupid that I changed my mind and decided to move back? Argh, too many thoughts this morning.

What day is it?

2005-10-25T13:59:00.000-04:00

In true Jen style, one day late:

+EXTREMELY good times with my sister...I feel like we are a unit again.
+Footballer's Wives on BBCamerica
+wearing socks to bed
+apple crisp
+limoncello from Siciliy
+HagenDaz with said limoncello
+cookies (not the chocolate chip kind)
+handling an EXTREMELY difficult financial problem all by my self WITHOUT calling my parents--I did it, bitches!
+being warm and safe out of this crazy rain
+being ok with missing Pumpkinfest this year (although not ok with missing my friends...I miss you peeps!)

I know I've been away a while...no longer have a computer at home so it's hard to blog from work since I've been so busy.

Extremely low key weekend. Discovered Movies OnDemand, along with a couple free payperview movies. Watched Constantine (which was GREAT!), Death Becomes Her, Lemony Snickets (again) and Overnight, a documentary on Troy Duffy, who directed Boondox Saints. Here's the Netflix synopsis: "Lose yourself in this riveting documentary that chronicles the rise and ignoble fall of Troy Duffy, a bartender whose script for The Boondock Saints was picked up by Miramax bigwig Harvey Weinstein and made into a film. Like a freight train careening out of control, the arrogant Duffy -- once considered Hollywood's new wunderkind -- burns all his bridges, alienating his colleagues, his friends and his long-suffering brother, Taylor". 'Boondock' is one of my favorite movies. It's a cult classic and it was FASCINATING to watch how Troy started out so low and went so high--did you know at the time his script was picked up that he also nailed down a record deal for his band? The guy is a prick but I honestly think if you've seen Boondock, you should see this movie. Because we was supposed to be the next big thing, the next Tarentino, the next Scorsce, Coppola. And he isn't (Troy Duffy who?). Did his turning into a massive prick kill his career or was it the ruthless Hollywood world?

Not much to report, however. Work is work, homelife is homelife. A coworker has been mailing me classifieds to look for apartments in Keene...can't believe that December is already right around the corner.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2005-10-10T14:26:00.000-04:00

participation positives

+Waking up to an empty apartment that is (mostly) mine and remembering how much I LOVE that.
+Rearranging said apartment to fit my mood--it's a little empty but it makes me feel SO HAPPY.
+Lazy solo grocery shopping at the Superwalmart in Amherst Saturday afternoon.
+A good, non-guilt-ridden conversation with Moms.
+Eating healthy yesterday and today AND working out. Makes me feel alive.
+Rain--it's weird, but I love it.

Sorry for the lack of post-age, homies. Last week I was in Keene for a sales meeting Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and was all work, no play (except for Tuesday night, when I did dinner with the company and drinks with a smaller party--it was SO fun). I can't wait to get back there. I miss it.

Roommate also moved out last weekend, hence the retaredly-happy apartment positives. I forgot what it's like to wake up and know you're the only one home. To put something somewhere and know it will be there when you get back. To buy the groceries I want. To let Penny on the couch-HA! Penny is triumphant. I just feel like smiling. It's a good feeling to know that part of my life is OVER. Hope I learned a lesson or two.

God is pissed at Keene for some reason. The water is NUTSO. NPR was talking about it this morning.

+

2005-09-26T09:33:00.000-04:00

participation positives
+ fall weather--finally!
+ snuggling in bed with the dog and watching cooking shows on PBS until 1130am Saturday morning.
+ catching up on my sleep
+ Saturday night phone calls from the Gay Team
+ standing my ground about the f*cking living room tables (I don't want them! I don't want to pay for them!) and winning.
+ Death Cab CD from Neil
+ "Price of Gas" and "Pioneers" from Bloc Party's "Silent Alarm" this morning
+ unexpected iced coffee from a coworker
+ being almost kind of ok with having $2 in my checking account
+ 4 days, 106 hours, 6377 minutes, 382625 seconds until roommate moves out.

guilty pleasure

2005-09-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

I feel guilty because I just celebrated when I found out someone from my home office is leaving the company. We have never gotten along and I think she is a terrible person. I have referred to her on more than one occassion as my mortal enemy.

Now I feel guilty for being so happy that I will never have to talk to her again. I feel bad for calling her my mortal enemy. I feel bad for the HUGE smile on my face.

Is it ok to be this happy? It's not like she's getting fired, she's moving on. I'm just happy that HER negativity will no longer affect me!

-ME

2005-09-22T09:43:00.000-04:00

I have been extremely negative lately. You know that feeling when you can't stop scowling...when your eyebrows are constantly furrowed and you know you're pulling a face and you can't stop? Negative, negative, negative. Last night, after a passive aggressive argument with soon-to-be-ex-roommate, I couldn't sleep. My stomach gnawed and bucked for hours. I laid there, feeling hot and sweaty, my heart was pounding and kept repeating "Why? Why? Why?" over and over in my head.

Does negativity create negativity? Does feeling crappy on the inside lead to feelings of crap on the outside? My mother has always said I am overly sensitive, like an emotional antennae, that I pick up every emotional vibration within a 10 mile radius. I feel it on a very cellular level. If you feel like shit, I feel like shit. Last night it was like a tremendous elephant of pissed off emotion was sitting on my chest. An awkward, passive aggressive elephant on my chest--it's not fun. And it wasn't just last night. It's been happening for weeks. I swear more, I say terrible things that I don't mean, I find myself getting sucked into the did-you-hear-about-so-and-so-isn't-so-and-so-stupid bullshit that I've I've been trying to wean myself from.

This negativity makes things not funny. I haven't been overjoyed with anything lately, everything sucks. And me thinking everything sucks is making...everything...suck. It's making everything negative: my bank account, my attitude towards everything and I think it's even affecting people around me. I feel like a little black rain cloud.

So, to counteract this mass campaign of negativity, I am going to do my own version of participation positives to get me on the right track. I KNOW it should be on a Monday but I think it should still count. So here goes:
+My mom bailing me out and loving me and worrying about me NO MATTER WHAT. She is amazing. I don't tell her enough. I LOVE YOU MOM!
+Being awake at 4:30am to see the sunrise.
+The way Lily wakes me up in the morning...every morning...at 5am.
+Seeing my sister smile and knowing that she is in love.
+Ice coffee buzz.
+Apologizing.
+The way Jed says "Good morning!"
+Laughing at my own ridiculous behavior.
+A quiet office.
+Feeling better by the minute.

Have a good day!

cranky

2005-09-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

9 days
226 hours
13574 minutes
814476 seconds

Until she moves out.

Not like I'm counting or anything.

I'm in love...

2005-09-19T21:31:00.000-04:00

With my new camera.

no words today

2005-09-09T19:21:00.000-04:00

This killed me today. Please click and watch.

silent night

2005-09-06T21:02:00.000-04:00

listening: Blue Light (Engineers Antigravity Mix), Bloc Party

Ah, this strange medium between reality and fantasy. It's like the thin air between two pieces of glass. What can you discuss here? When do you censor yourself? When do you make it up, tell the truth, lie to yourself, scream from mountaintops. I think Nicole called it ants in the pants. Something you want to write about, talk about, discuss...but you can't. Neil--yeah, I'll call you later.

This made me tear up today...I don't know why. John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig, and it if you haven't seen it, PLEASE rent Hedwig and the Angry Inch) directed. It's great. Watch it.

Honestly, I'm exhausted right now. I'm trying not to watch CNN because I can't stand seeing our president betray our country.

Again, if you can help, please do.

It's a funny thing...

2005-09-04T22:07:00.000-04:00

A hundred years ago, Jen wanted to work for the Boston Globe. Jen wanted to go to college, get her degree in print journalism and write brilliant articles for the Globe...maybe get her feet wet there and move on to National Geographic. Maybe screw all that and work for Rolling Stone.
But that was a hundred years ago.
One hundred and 10 years ago, Jen started writing. When she was 11 or 12, she saw the movie "The Paper". In one of those strange, life changing events, it made her want to be a reporter. And it's a really really good movie.
One hundred and four years ago, Jen started a newspaper at her high school because it didn't have one. A staff of five or six. One advisor. After school, almost every day. Hand cut and pasted. Copied on the school copier. Stapled by hand. Paper cuts. I loved doing it.
I went to college in Boston and went for print journalism. My professor for newswriting 101 was this huge, hairy brute of a guy. Big bushy red beard, tall. Informed all of us at the beginning of his first class that 20% of all students drop out. I understood on day 2. The guy was an ass. A brilliant ass but still an ass. He had an annoying habit of rubbing his huge hands together, the callouses making a weird, sandpapery sound, which would go on for almost an entire session. He was a writer or an editor for a labor newspaper in Boston. He was wholly intimidating. He was belittling. He was dreadfully honest. He wouldn't let you take ONE INCH. He made me regret wanting to be a reporter. He made me doubt myself and I freaked. I dropped my major.
Sometimes I forget about that time, a hundred years ago. It's a funny thing that triggers the memory, a memory of what COULD have happened, MIGHT have happened. A memory of something that has never happened. Deep down inside, as much as I think want to deny myself the thought, I still want to me the journalist. The reporter. The need to know and show. The desire to investigate. I enjoyed that time in my life. I enjoyed feeling that way.
This afternoon, I watched "Shattered Glass". As utterly disgraceful the whole Glass debacle was, it's an excellent movie. Peter Sarsgaard is fantastic in it...fantastic. I enjoy his acting. Even Hayden Christensen was. He can act. I was seriously doubting his abilites after Star Wars. If you haven't seen it yet, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it. It sucked me in. Completely sucked me in.
Made me a little homesick for that time in my life. Made me a little homesick for what I could've done.

he'll flip ya'...flip ya' for real

2005-09-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

Ah, Labor Day weekend. Who could ask for anything more? I adore long weekends because I am a.) actually a lazy bastard and b.) I need a day off now and then. Not much to report, since I haven't done much. Friday night Katie and I got Chinese and beer and watched TV and got drunk. Saturday we cleaned the house and I made dinner for Nick and Jim--roasted artichoke hearts and chicken piccata--thanks, Rachel Ray! Today I slept late and I've been watching MAD TV all day long. Oh...and the Usual Suspects on A&E. I'm sorry, I don't know why they bother showing it on cable. There are waaaaaay to many "fairy godmothers" in there to make it believable. It gives me a headache. I just really like to watch skinny Benicio. Doesn't it look like current Benicio ate skinny Benecio?

Poor, poor Benecio.

Couple of observations from this past weekend:

Heath Ledger is claiming that he "deliberately took roles he knew would ruin his screen career, as he wanted the chance to rise from the ashes in an even more impressive form." Yeah, that what I would have said if I was in The Order, too. Funny, I deliberately WATCHED Ned Kelly to ruin my night and gave me the chance to disrespect him as an actor. Wonder if he planned that, too.

Oh, SNAP! A WHOLE half and hour of 'Spade in America'?! Someone has finally heard my prayers. I am so effing psyched.

Kanye Wests' speech on NBC was STUNNING. I knew I loved that man. I think we should print "Bush doesn't care about black people" on t-shirts and pass them out! Thank you, Kanye! Thank you for being a celebrity who uses his influence for good and not evil.

2005-09-02T14:47:00.000-04:00

Please help if you can.

100 things about ME

2005-09-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of narcissim, I decided to do this:

1. Born November 23rd 1979 in Keene NH.
2. I was born about one month and a week early.
3. Oldest child of three.
4. Learned to play piano when I was 4.
5. I was extremely afraid of the dark when I was younger. I still kind of am.
6. I like cats and dogs--but I like dogs better.
7. I like Splenda--and I'm not a freak.
8. I drive a 2002 Focus. Her name is Natascha.
9. On my college applications, I wrote that I was in the top 10% of my class--there were only 32 kids in my class.
10. I love cold sheets.
11. I sleep sideways most of the time--and on my stomach.
12. I talk to myself on long drives.
13. I love cosmopolitans--but they have to have a lime, not a lemon.
14. My favorite color is red.
15. I hate people who tailgate but I tailgate people.
16. I'm a fierce liberal.
17. I voted for Gore, Dean AND Kerry.
18. I never wore a button or rallied for Howard Dean and secretly feel guilty that Bush was elected because of me.
19. I would rather stay in than go out.
20. If I'm home sick or on vacation, I watch kids shows on PBS all day long.
21. I'm afraid to fly.
22. I love to gossip.
23. I've smoked marijuana and done mushrooms--and I will never regret that.
24. I read Vogue but I would never wear anything in there.
25. I hate Cosmo.
26. I've never been to the west coast of the United States.
27. I swear too much.
28. I would love to live in New York City.
29. I never finished college.
30. My favorite perfume is Stella by Stella Mccartney.
31. I love tomatoes and mashed potatoes.
32. I'm addicted to celery.
33. I'm a social smoker. I hate smelling like smoke unless I'm in a bar.
34. I dance around my apartment on Saturday mornings if I'm the only one home.
35. I have very small hands and feet.
36. I hate my fingers.
37. I never learned how to use a curling iron and I'm GLAD.
38. I love Sex & the City but I hate watching it with other people.
39. I still have a crush on Tom Hanks.
40. I don't understand video games and consider them a "last resort" when it comes to entertainment. I've never really gotten into them.
41. I stole a bag of M&M's from Kulicks in 5th grade and got caught. But it was the only time I ever got caught.
42. I need a fan on to sleep.
43. I wake up to NPR. I can't wake up to music or a buzzer.
44. I don't have one favorite movie--I have lots.
45. I've been accused of liking "guy movies". I find that offensive.
46. I hate girlie movies, especially anything starring Julia Stiles.
47. I would like to go to India but I don't think I could make the flight.
48. I'm a speedreader.
49. I wish I was a runner.
50. I wish I read more.
51. I have a very short attention span.
52. I can't parallel park.
53. I make good cookies.
54. I like to iron.
55. I like the smell of gasoline and triplicate copy, like report cards.
56. From 1997 to 1999 I worked at a special needs preschool in my hometown. I loved it but it killed me inside that I could never "fix" those kids.
57. I still believe that if you make a wish when the clock turns 11:11 and kiss it, your wish will come true.
58. I hate math.
59. I try to keep a checkbook but I fail everytime.
60. I love to get perfume samples from Filenes.
61. I'm a cosmetics junkie.
62. I am very good with names.
63. I don't like to be touched but I like to hug.
64. I love the smell of coffee.
65. I cry during "Animal Precinct" and "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition".
66. I've always wanted to sing in band but I don't ever think I could really do it.
67. I flip people off on the highway more than I should.
68. Boston is my favorite place in the world.
69. I google people from my past.
70. I have secret crushes.
71. I blush really easily.
72. I eavesdrop.
73. My favorite flavor of ice cream is Oatmeal Cookie by Ben & Jerry's.
74. My favorite band changes all the time.
75. My favorite Yankee Candle flavor is Clean Cotton.
76. I bite my nails to excess.
77. I hold my breath when I drive by roadkill.
78. I want things I can't have.
79. I've been to Costa Rica, Paris, Madrid, Rio de Janiero, Budapest, Prague and Vienna. I'm going to Japan in December.
80. I can't draw and wish I could.
81. I used to write fanfiction. I lost my ability to write well after taking antidepressants.
82. I have never skipped school--ever.
83. When I was in college, I wouldn't go to class for weeks.
84. I have a picture of my parents tap dancing together when they were 5 years old.
85. We only had 4 channels growing up: ABC, NBC and two PBS's.
86. I like driving over bridges.
87. I love the ocean.
88. Fall is my favorite season.
89. I long for the summer all winter and than hate it until the fall.
90. I'm messy.
91. I HATE the dentist.
92. My featherbed is the best thing I ever bought.
93. I can't learn French.
94. I have 20 pairs of shoes but only one pair of sneakers.
95. I am inexplicably drawn to gay men.
96. I love to sleep late.
97. My favorite store is Ikea.
98. I have the most comfortable couch on the planet.
99. I don't stand up for myself as much as I could.
100. I want kids when I grow up. At least four.

i've got spirit yes I do, I'm canadian, how `bout you?

2005-09-01T10:56:00.000-04:00

listening: Rock the Shack, New Order

As usual, American Idle has hit the nail on the head for me this morning. How exactly did this jerkoff get elected? Every single freakin' time something tragic happens, the media catches him being a retard. It's EMBARESSING. It's REVOLTING. It's INFURIATING. C'mon, George. Please?! I heard on radio the other morning that he learned his lesson from his father, that even though he can "work" from the ranch as well as he can "work" from the White House, the country has a perception that he "works" harder away from the ranch, i.e. when they were wallpapering memos about Osama having this great idea about killing hundreds of Americans around his office and he was clearing brush. Now, a city is in complete chaos, people are dying and he's fooling around. Mr. Bush, please. Get your friggin' act together and act like a leader and not some punkass shit trying to remember the first three cords of Free Bird. If you're worried about your perception by the American public, it's a little late. Sitting on your ass while people were being flown into buildings in New York "reading" a book made a lot of us wake up. Most of the ones who have a 1/3 of a brain in their skulls are practicing their Canadian accents as we speak....eh.

Not a lot of posting going on this week. Kind of a weird one. My little sister moved in with my roommate and I this weekend, as she's working outside of Boston and it's a huge commute (an hour and 45 minutes) from Keene to where she is working and only 45 minutes from Manchvegas). It's extremely interesting, as we now share a room and I've seen her more in the last four days than in the last six years. She's a very cool adult and I'm glad that she's staying with me until December. Now as long as roommate can keep her cool, we'll all be one happy family. Went to Ikea as planned on Saturday with Neil and Nick and had a blast, as usualy. Got some great stuff...can't wait until November when the one in Brocton opens, have I mentioned that?

Three day weekend coming up. Nick and Jim should be coming over sometime for din and perhaps drinks. I would love to make something yummy for them. Looking forward to sacking out and watching the CSI marathon on Spike on Monday.

Yeah, I've got goals.

please make a note of it

2005-08-26T12:37:00.000-04:00

In the movie of my life, Interpol's "Untitled" will run over the end credits.

Sorry for the lack of content lately. I haven't felt well all week. I think my body was about ready to shut down from exhaustion. My eyes are all screwed up again. I've got to be allergic to something because the skin around my eyes is dry and irritated--which makes me dry and irritated. I went to bed at 8 o'clock Wednesday night and slept like a stone until 630am. I felt a little better but my eyes were SO PUFFY I felt like those kids from Marilyn Manson's video "I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me". Yikes. I have no clue what causes it. I just know it sucks.

Needless to say, because I've felt like crap over the last week, I've been a mega bitch. Specially to some people because I think I can be shitty and get away with it. So if I was a douchenozzle to you this week--I'm sorry. You'd be cranky too if your eyes looked like Sheryl Crow's after a four day bender. Wild turkey, anyone?

I am psyching myself up because the Neil, Nick and I are taking a trip to my most favorite place in the world--Ikea. Wheee! We're driving down tomorrow morning to New Haven since they can't get their shizzle together and open the one in Massechusetts. I WILL be there on opening day in November, with f-ing bells on. I cannot wait.

And oh yeah, for all those stupid ass redneck jerkoffs with nothing better to do than scream at some poor grieving woman instead of watching Nascar, diddling their sister or electrocuting the mentally retarded:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I was also going to caption this "Hooray for Bush."

Idiots.

do i get cookies?

2005-08-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Neil, it's Bloc Party, Always New Depths.

is a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying maybe...I didn't know him at all

2005-08-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

Why do I get so happy when they play Jeff Buckley?

It makes me stretch and smile.

12 f*cking cds later

2005-08-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

listening: soft as snow (but warm inside), my bloody valentine

I have taken my need for new music to drastic levels. Unfortunately the burner is being a douchebag and I have wasted TWELVE f-ing CDs trying to burn a CD tonight. What the crap is wrong with it?? I have finally finally finally got it to work (we're talking like four hours later) and I'm actually exhausted.

HOWEVER I would like to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to ultragrrrl for introducing me to editors. They are fucking great. Neil, don't worry. I made you a present. I'm coming home this weekend if you'll be around. Or if you don't lose your house...or perhaps your car...or your mind. (sorry) Also checking out Nightmares of You--they've got some stuff up on Rhapsody and it rocks pretty hard.

Tomorrow's Friday ya'll--laters.

...and oh yeah, radiohead

2005-08-17T20:21:00.000-04:00

listening: yeah yeah yeahs, fever to tell (entire album thanks to rhapsody)

Just an FYI, this is what I feel like right now.

I can feel it coming.

Ah, PMS...what the christ would I do without you--other than live a normal and happy life. Around this "time of the month" (god I hate that expression), I get overly emotional and sooooooooooooo teeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnssssssssseeeeeeeeeee. I just want to scream at everyone until I cry and can't stop. Life feels overbearing and dull and boring and listless. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep but I can't and end up watching TV and obsessing about a boy who will never fall in love with me.

I completely forgot about radiohead. Completely forgot. I have become increasingly bored with my music selection lately (having yet to get an mp3 player--I think it's going on the birthday list). Driving to work Monday was a death defying dance of driving and digging through the riffraff group of CDs that resides in my car. Here is a list of what I found:
Beta Band, Heros to Zeros
assorted, Laurel Canyon Soundtrack
U2, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Frank Sinatra, Taking A Chance on Love
Poe, haunted
assorted, cream ibiza 2001
Coldplay, Live at Maida Vale 25.03.03(illegal, illegal, illegal)
morcheeba, big calm
Led Zeppelin, Physical Graffiti
mystery disc #1: back 2 the future 80's, some kind of weird bad house music--whose is it?
death cab, transatlanticism
sarah mclachlan, remixed
Coldplay, Rush of Blood the the Head (does not play, one of three)
Sander Kleinenberg, Global Underground Nubreed 4, CD 1
mystery disc #2 and #3, apparently blank burned CDs that do not play, one may be nick's annual birthday mix. (update, one is a bad copy of transatlanticism, probably made at nick's house for Neil)
Paul Van Dyk, Reflections (sucks BTW)
Alanis Morrisette, supposed former infatuation junkie (does not play)
seven mary three, rock crown (Neil, this is yours)
massive attack, mezzanine
snow patrol, final straw

And finally, radiohead, ok computer.

Oh christ what an album. It's just one of those albums you can put on and drive to and get lost in. Makes me think of Adawg Capasso. Makes me think of fall. Makes me happy to be angry and frustrated. As does the fantastic karen o of the yeah yeah yeahs. I am so blaring date with night on the way to work tomorrow.

I don't mean to be so angry and pissy, ya'll. I'm sorry I'm not my normal, chipper self.

song for Neil: cross bones style, cat power (find it)

from orlando and back

2005-08-15T20:29:00.000-04:00

listening: dirty epic, underworld

Neil, before I forget--WATCH THIS MOVIE. You'll probably have to hunt to find it but it's worth it. Find it.

What's up bitches?

I'm back from Florida and I have to say...

Pardon the retardo picture but I think it captures my new sentiment perfectly. I love Florida. It was fab. I've always hated Florida. I hated Florida since I first visted there when I was 15...when I hated everything, which explains a lot. I had a great flight down...no longer scared of flying, peeps.

I don't have a lot to say. I started a lot of this post yesterday night but there's a deep bone tiredness inside of me that I haven't been able to shake since Sunday night. I know I should sleep but it's nice having the house to myself.

Oh, other in other news...I was planning on going to Russia this year on a FAM (travel agent jargon for familiarization trip...means company pays and you get to visit all the hotels we use in the particular destination--I've been on two, Rio in 2002 and Budapest, Vienna and Prague this past November). Unfortunately, they cancelled the Russia FAM. My boss told me to choose between Japan and China--and Japan is probably going to be it. Anyone have an opinion on this? I've never really wanted to go to Japan but, and this sounds really dumb, after seeing Lost in Translation, I'm a little more interested. Must learn to like sushi. Must.

thinkin' about the good times

2005-08-04T21:40:00.000-04:00

listening: it's a motherf*cker, eels (from the anniversary party soundtrack)

Thursday night, finally. Heading down to Orlando tomorrow but not before I splurge and buy a digital camera. I need one at this point...it's waay waay past want. Little nervous about flying by myself, as I HATE HATE HATE flying (yes, I work for a tour operator, it's hilariously ironic, I know) and I've never flown by myself. I am not freaking-out-having-a-nervous-breakdown-like-Europe-in-November so don't get scared. I'm fine, just jumpy-ass nervous. Excited to see my sister (Annie) and to see where she lives, as I've never visted her before and now she's moving home. My parents are also getting us a place at Cocoa Beach for the week so we can have a some beachy happiness. I'm psyched about that but it's supposed to be hot--and not with two t's. I'm ready for a vacation. I'm sure I've said this a hundred times, but I need a vacation. I KIND of just had one in May, but I haven't traveled for a vacation since before I was in college and that was with the Fam. I'm flying out tomorrow night at 830 and get in at 1120 into Orlando. Godwilling, my father will still be awake and will meet me at the airport so I don't have to take a cab. I haven't been to Orlando in YEARS...over ten, I think...yikes, I feel OLD! They bought a timeshare down there when I was like 14 or 15. I HATED it. I am generally not a big fan of FLA. It's a lot like a big flaccid somethingorother down there. My brother and I are both kind of down on Florida, but that's because he skis and wants to be in Vermont for the rest of his life. My dad is psyched because apparently he and Annie and Annie's boyfriend Phil are going golfing tomorrow morning. My dad now lives for golf. It's very strange...the whole family likes to golf. I'd rather stick my head in the microwave--am I missing something??

Roommate and I drove up to my parents house last night to drop of my dog. I didn't want the dog to stay here while I was gone and she has a great time at my parent's house, even though they're not going to be there until Monday. My uncle is watching the house so I'm not TOO worried but I am a little bit of a nervous mother. Roommate had never been to lovely Keene, so it was an experience. I kind of think that bringing someone who doesn't really understand me to Keene is like showing them a big chart of why I am the way that I am. Maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. I just want the next four months and four weeks to go quickly and quietly. I did feel that altogethernew rush when I hit the lights going into Keene; almost teary choked up happy feeling. Like when you hear a song you haven't heard in a while and it triggers a memory and you feel high and delirious.

Like 'writing to reach you' by travis that just came over my speakers. Perfect example.

OMG, great new show on Bravo is Kathy Griffin's 'D-List'. Watched "Kathy Griffin is...Not Nicole Kidman" last night. She's really brilliant. And bitchy. But also brilliant. Good for her getting her own show--she deserves it. And to think, she used to be on "Suddenly Susan"...how come poor Brooke has to battle Crazyass and why doesn't Judd Nelson get HIS own show? Where the hell is Judd Nelson these days? Him and his big nostrils are MIA--anyone got any ideas.

Speaking of long lost, I was poking around Rhapsody and wanted to get some Big Wreck, one of my all time favorite bands and really good summer music. They came out in 1998, the spring I graduated and I fell in lust with them, their music and the lead singer, Ian Thornley. Sadly, they are no more. HOWEVER, Ian has a new band called Thornley and they are kind of touring. My friend Art went to see them last summer somewhere and got them to autograph a CD for me. Good music still, though, honestly. He's got the voice of a god...very Chris Cornell meets Robert Plant. Anyway, apparently he is still hot...

Poked around their website for a while and came across something a little interesting...also sad...but interesting and a little tragically funny and we all know, that's the best kind of funny. They haven't been touring much, but they do have some pics up. Check out this pic...

You should click on it to get the full effect of that metal hair do.

Do you see it? Do you see it? No? No, it's not the guitar player or his fucked up retarded `do. Still can't see it? Look again...

< seriously, click to enlarge >

I am VERY sad to say that Thornley is CLEARLY not rocking the house. Look at that. This is a ROCK show and these people are just staring. Scroll up and look at how hard that guy is rocking that guitar and his ill-advised scalp malfunction. Now look at the picture again. They've got nothing. Either we caught them all in the start of a headbang or Thornley shouldn't be looking forward to opening for anybody this summer...maybe a KFC or something. How sad. Their CD is good though so if you haven't heard it I suggest you give it a listen, if you like that sort of thing. It's sad when your heroes go bust, especially when they're so talented. Feel bad really. In tragically funny kind of way.

Ok, off to pack. I'm going to try to set up a Flickr account so I can post pics of my journey. Check back later.

Laters.

i feel unsteady

2005-08-02T18:34:00.000-04:00

listening: lilac wine, grace, jeff buckley

Kind of a sad song tonight but I need something to calm down with.

Ah, where to start. My mind has been all over the place lately. Firstly, apologize for the ganj-heavy posts lately...it's summer and I'm feeling it. Feeling the urge to be irresponsible and such. Not really work friendly so sorry in advance.

Amazing thunderstorm last night. I remember when I was at camp when I was 13 or 14, I was heading into the bathrooms one night and it got struck by lightning. The camp has lightning rods installed in all the buildings, so the air got all crackly and blue and orange with the loudest BOOM! I've ever heard. It was amazing. The tennis courts used to get hit all the time, shaking the ground and the cabins beside the courts. Why can't grown ups still go to camp? I wish I could. But there are bills to be paid and careers to be forged...no time for sailing and 4-Square and jumping off the tower.

Work is crazy. We're not that busy but there's a huge amount of stress there. Only four months and four weeks before I move back home, back to a crazier, more stressful place--one that I miss dearly every damn day. I like it there. I know it's loud and cramped but I honestly feel like that office is my home. My home with my family in it. Now all I have to do is find a place to live. Still very nervous. I compulsively look through the classifieds at the Sentinel, waiting for that two bedroom house with a deck and washer dryer hookup for $600.00 a month, all utilities included and why, yes! dogs are welcome! I know I'll never find it...I'm just daydreaming. Everyone was very careful to point out when I was moving back from Manchester to Keene that it couldn't be the same again. That I'm flighty and move compulsively. I just get the urge to go and I go--and I lived in Keene for FIVE YEARS. That's not flighty. I stayed at the same job for FIVE YEARS, a job I am still working, against my better judgement because I f-ing love it. So now, because I hate Manchester and everyone in this city (except lovely #1 Jim), I want to move back to Keene. It will be different. I won't have a roommate. I'll be on my own. It will be interesting to see. I'm looking forward to it--can you tell?

Today is little Eddie Furlong's birthday. What the hell is going on in this picture? Upon further investigation on IMDB, apparently Eddie played the Crow in the ~~third~~ OMG, FOURTH (THEY MADE FOUR OF THESE MOVIES!) installment of this almost good movie gone bad like bad cottage cheese in a car in August in Phoenix. Oh, that's hilarious. Miss cottage cheese butt herself Tara Reid was also in it. And it got shitty reviews--shocker. Where the hell has Eddie been at lately? He did Pecker and dropped off the face of the Earth. And yes, I call him Eddie. In the years when Jonathan Brandis (RIP) and Neil Patrick Harris decorated my walls, I did tear one lone Eddie Furlong pinup from my Big Bopper and hung it on my wall, probably partially obscured by a Joey Lawrence. He's not a bad actor, honestly. He just makes bad decisions. And has bad hair. Speaking of bad hair, Macy Gray is also "starring" and is being an "actress" in this "movie". I bet she's steller.

Macy should do antidrug commercials...she'd make a compelling arguement.

Speaking of Neil Patrick Harris...and ganj, I watched Harld and Kumar go to White Castle last night and I gotta say, it is really, really funny. Bathroom jokes are still funny to me at 25-almost-26. It's my inner 12 year old boy. He's a little pissant. And NPH is in it. And he's still hot!

wanted: socially inept, mentally challenged scum of the earth

2005-07-31T17:41:00.000-04:00

Listening: a private interlude, Groove Armada

Sigh...

How exactly does Petco get these godawful people to work for them? It's not just in Manchvegas either. It's everywhere. I just don't understand how Petco gets all these jerkoffs to fill out an application. Honestly, what does the ad say? "Best friend a gerbil? No people skills? Low IQ? Can't count? Don't like to shower regularly? Then come work for Petco. We don't care if you're a social retard because we don't have to talk to you." Every single time I go in, I have to deal with this crap. From the rotund douchebag, who I actually avoid at all costs and will STAND IN LINE rather than go through her line, who bitched me out when my debit card was denied (Bank North had conveniently disabled my PIN number--thanks, you bunch of money grabbing bastards!), to the ass who watched me search for the good dog food for 15 minutes before asking me if I needed help and then flashed me a I-suck-blood-and-play-magick-cards smile and told me they were out, to the pimply faced beyatch who argued with the couple in front of me about their return for 20 minutes, while my arms slowly went numb from clinging to the bag of dog food I had found instead of just giving them their bloody money back. And that's another thing. Why do all the freaks congregate at Petco? You get the ass who comes in with the dog with no leash and is wondering why everyone is staring. The semi retarded chick who was talking to her dog the entire 15 minutes she stood behind me--like talked like I'm talking now. Not "good dog" or "want a treat". Like what she had for lunch and what happened on Days of Lives that afternoon. Always the guy jerking off to the ferret display--I will never understand why people want to keep diseased ridden vermin in their homes--that is how the plague started. I swear to God, it makes me want to puke.

And then there's guy who was making the return in front of me (may I add these people were returning literally PALLETES of freakin' cat food with seven or eight different receipts. What, do you live up in the MOUNTAINS? Is this your yearly trip in to buy jingly balls and catnip? What the HELL??!) insisted on telling me the tragic saga of the cat food while I tried not the grab the closest greenie and stab him in the head. Dog food and greenies took 45 minutes. I hate everyone.

I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. Roommate is gone. Friday night I hung out and watched TV and yesterday I watched TV ALL DAY. Watched Eternal Sunshine again (it's a good movie but I really think it missed it's mark. Adaptation is SOO MUCH BETTER.), Rolling Kansas, I Love the 70's on Vh1 and, fortunately, Bill Maher's new special "I'm Swiss" which made me laugh until I wanted to puke. Oh God, he's great. I'm going to watch it again tonight because I missed the first half hour. Also watched some MTV2 and indulged my inner 12 year old little boy. Put up with some Punkd with the Cooch to watch Jason Bateman (I just watched the Sweetest Thing again--he's great in it). He's so hot.

Then I watched Viva La Bam, starring the Hottest Badass on the Planet Bam Margera. Oh, he's hot. He IS!

See? Yeah I know he's probably an ass but he's still hot-with-two-t's.

I want SHOWTIME!! Since I haven't been following Six Feet Under in three weeks (and I KNOW something big happened--I don't want to know! I'll watch it on the reruns) and CSI: NY is boring the crap out of me, I need something good to watch and this must be be it.

The fabulous Mary-Louise Parker, my fave since About Last Night Elizabeth Perkins and that cutie patootie Justin Kirk from 'Angels in America' in a show about ganj. It looks great. Here's a great pic of Mary-Louise:

I am kind of looking forward to Aeon Flux--but when are they making a "The Head" movie? C'mon!

I'm heading down to Orlando, FLA on Friday for little sis' graduation and then I'm on vaca the next week--HOORAY!

And then there's THIS

2005-07-28T18:09:00.000-04:00

listening: In Circles, Sunny Day Real Estate

Rob Thomas <3's weed.

Just another clue that Rob Thomas is gunning to be my next gay boyfriend. What's UP, Rob? Heard about you and the wackadoodledoo
. Tough break. Honestly, I don't know why either of you bother with the "straight" routine anymore. Tommy's been gay since Topgun. Only a gay man would find Katie Holmes attractive anyway. And you? Puh-lese. The video for 'this is how a heart breaks', is just vying for a bassline and some glowsticks to be next the big gay dancefloor anthem of the summer. And c'mon, you're running from a GUY in that video. A guy who looks very crazily like Jason Mraz. And I think you were holding back on the dancing thing in 'Lonley No More', too. I knew you were dying to turn off your crap and throw some remixed Britney in the player so you can shake your little ass off.

So, to review. Rob Thomas: gay, check. Big bank account to buy me stuff, check. Has cookies, check. Crazy hot ex to gossip about, check.

I'm just being silly. Weirdass work week. I can't wait for the weekend. So much office politics bullshit I can barely see straight.

you know, the nazis had pieces of flair that they made the jews wear

2005-07-26T21:12:00.000-04:00

listening: Sex and the City (via TBS) and also 'Office Space' (via AMC)

Oh shit, I love Office Space. What a fabtastic movie.

Terrible day. Office politics are kicking my ass.

No more to say.

do doo do do doo do doo doo do doo doo doo

2005-07-26T09:15:00.000-04:00

listening: Down, 311

311 is quintessential summer music. Too bad I'm at work right now.

Boo.

Okay, okay...

Does ANYONE ELSE find this man oddly attractive? Anyone? C'mon, I know I'm not the only one. His name is Anthony Bourdain and he has a great new show called 'No Reservations' on the Travel Channel. It's faboo. I loved his show 'A Cook's Tour' on Food Network and now he has a new one. He's vulgar, smokes a lot, goes to weird and intersting places and has a very strange, Lou Reed-esque kind of sexy sexy.

No takers? FINE.

Anyhoo, off to work.

Laters

check this out

2005-07-25T19:07:00.000-04:00

the most amazing random playlist ever, check it out:
"1. Everybody I Love You - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
2. Amber - 311
3. Portions For Foxes - Rilo Kiley
4. Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell - The Flaming Lips
5. Dhun Kafi - Ravi Shankar
6. Miss You - Ringside
7. Grace - Moby
8. Teen Age Riot - Sonic Youth
9. Burn To Shine - Ben Harper And The Innocent Criminals
10. Sex Type Thing - Stone Temple Pilots
11. Long Way Down - Guster
12. Jeannie's Diary - Eels
13. Pink Triangle - Weezer
14. I'll Be Your Mirror - The Velvet Underground"

2005-07-25T18:42:00.000-04:00

listening: Everybody I Love You, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Holy shuckin fhit what a bad day. Is mercury in retrograde...anyone...anyone? Power lines down because of this dumbass, then the phones are all screwed up due to stupid downstairs new girl. Crazy ass terrorists who are making my life a major pain in the ass. Just get on the plane people...we'll be here when you get back. I swear. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. So hopefully this day can't get any worse. Elios for dinner, early sleepy time because I'm beat, folks. It's very tiring keeping up this damned cheerful disposition and smiley face.

My only saving grace today was this hilarious beeotch. Check her out--she's going on my links because I was laughing so hard today I almost cried. As Whitney would say "That's luuuuv!"

Laters.

pool on the roof must have a leak

2005-07-24T11:18:00.000-04:00

listening: Hackers (via HBO)

Lordy, lordy...that movie came out TEN YEARS AGO, people. I feel incredibly old right now. I f-ing loved that movie--still do, I suppose. My senior quote in the yearbook when I graduated was "There is no right or wrong, only fun and boring". Oh, I thought I was so cool. What I really should have used was "Why don't you all just f-f-f-fade away?" That was a good one. I was < this > close.

ANYWAY pretty nice relaxing weekend. Friday night watched "Michael Palin: Himalaya" because I'm a dork and fell asleep in front of the TV. Woke up semi early on Saturdday and cleaned the apartment. Jim and I went out to dinner at CJ's and then met Nick at his house before heading BACK to CJ's at the bar for margaritas. I wasn't really feeling it (I was REALLY full), so I came home and went to bed.

Not much going on today, though. Need to go grocery shopping because our cupboards are bare.

I don't really have a lot to say. I can't wait to move. My boss told me I needed to be back in Keene by January 1st, so that's a whole two weeks early--YAY!

Check out my friends Art and Ed, top contenders at Keene Idol!

whatever you do...take care of your shoes

2005-07-22T10:48:00.000-04:00

Somehow, listening to Picture of Nectar makes me a.) feel redicously, deliriously, incredibly, obnoxiously freakin' happy b.)think of my little brother and c.) think of camp. And makes me incredi-happy. It was exactly what I needed after a terrible day yesterday that turned into a good night. Jim and I went to see Wedding Crashers last night. It was hilarious. Owen being pretty like a girl and Vince being, well, Vince. It's one of those movies that where you start giggling and you can't stop. Anyway, it was great. Go see it if you can. After the movie, went to Cactus Jacks for beers and cigs and coversation. All in all, a lovely evening that Jim (Jim #1) helped me dig out of the gutter.

Crazy ass shit going down in London today. Those crazy terrorists are going for the body. I feel like London is the skinny little geeky kid that the mean bully keeps picking on. If I may, I'd like to make a Breakfast Club analogy:

England
Skinny, proper. Doesn't like monkey business. Probably can't make a lamp, either.

United States
Confident, competitive. If we lose our temper, you're totaled, man. Has extensive experience in taping people's buns together.

Terrorists
Smokes the wacky weed. Prone to lighting shoes on fire. Thinks being bad feels pretty good. Likes anarchy and Molly Ringwald.

It's a little scary actually. John Hughes either has an amazing amount of foresight or I'm just incredibored.

What a great birthday day! John Leguizamo, Mr. Willem Dafoe, Franka Potente AND Mr. Spade in America himself, David Spade. Love them cancer beeyotches!

say it ain't so

2005-07-20T09:21:00.000-04:00

This is what my eyes look like today:

Do you know whose eyes these are?

Apparently I now have the eyes of an old alcoholic home wrecker.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Nine dollar cosmos and other fun things

2005-07-17T19:09:00.000-04:00

listening: Mountain Rain, Interlude, Saint Entienne

Happy Sunday evening, ya'll.

I've just returned from a lovely weekend in Keene. I really wasn't planning on making the trek at all this weekend but family issues and the hint of perhaps just a little alcohol made me rethink (but mostly the family stuff). I was going to go home to see my sister, who is up from Florida for the week doing job interviews but my mom told me she had gotten delayed and wasn't going to be home until Sunday night.

I got into Keene late in the afternoon and made the drive up to God's Country (aka my parents house). They joined the Grass Roots movement in the 70's and bought a bunch of land up in East of Nowhere New Hampshire and lived off the land (like, seriously. Grew their own vegetables, ate their own meat, chickens and all sorts of good stuff). It was a pretty groovy place to grow up, since Sister, Brother and I were the only kids up there and we had 64 acres to run around on like crazy children, happy and cable TV-free (my parents still only habe 4 channels. ABC, NBC, and two PBS stations). I hung out with my mom for a little bit and then met Jim and Nick for dinner at 176 Main. Oh, it used to be so great back in the day. But the patio is divine and the beer was cold and the food was yummy. Nick's sister Katherine met us there and we headed over to 21, the "new" (well, new to me) martini bar over on Roxbury. Their claim to fame is martinis--guess how many they have? It's a very cool, posh environment (hotter than HELL though--no AC!) with good music, excellent waitress (she used to work at Tony's) and really, really, really good Cosmos, my drink of choice. Anyway, I think I had five or six before my friend Amie and her friend Erin showed up (Neil was a no show--Neil, you missed a good time and that's alls I'm saying because I know nothing I say is going to drag you out of the funk you've been in lately). After a few more drinks, I finally got in touch with my friend Caroline (nickname: Okra--if you watch MadTV, you'll get it), who was over at Tony's (guess what, the bar doesn't really look like that! The lights are NEVER ON). We headed over and hung out with her for a while, few more drinks. Saw my best friend from senior year who has not spoken to me (nor I her) in about five years. We didn't even look at each other. Also incredibly hot at Tony's (I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was trashed). Headed out to the Dark Star (the Grateful Dead bar in West Keene) because they have air conditioning. They were pretty much closed, but we sat and had a drink with the two other people in there and watched Christopher Walken on SNL. After that, Wendy's and Nick and Jim ventured up into East Puckerdoo to drop me at my parents so I wouldn't have to drive...or sleep on Nick's floor. I got in the house with only a few barks of the dogs. It was redonkulously hot in the house, so I kind of conked out on the loveseat in front of the fan.

I was only asleep for about half an hour when I was awakened by the dogs going apeshit and they scared the crap out of me. I couldn't see any cars coming down the road and it was nearly 3 am. I got up, scared out of mind, and stumbled to the door to find my sister coming up the steps with her new dog, Kahlua, a present from her boyfriend. She had just got in. I couldn't stop laughing. Then my parents came downstairs and the dogs got acquainted (me having to explain why Nick and Jim dropped me off, me trying to hide the facted that I was tiggety trashed). Annie and I stayed up until about 4 talking and watching the dogs before I finally passed out on the sofa. Kahlua woke me up at 730am and I went upstairs and zonked out in my bedroom on the futon until almost noon. My mom headed back to school and my dad went golfing. My sister was supposed to come back with me but she got stung on her nose by a bee while she was walking Kahlua before we left. I felt so bad. I bet that hurt like crazy. She had a headache so we decided to do it again another time.

Anyway, faboo weekend.

I just can't wait to go to bed!

don't touch that squirrel's nuts

2005-07-16T00:14:00.000-04:00

listening: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (via HBO)

Yes, Johnny--you're very pretty. And you apparently have jazz hands. Now stop...you're scaring the children.

Went and saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with my new friend Jim on a whim. Went to the Cinemagic theater in Merrimack (Hoyts Key Road Cinema it ISN't--they have SURROUND SOUND and STADIUM SEATING AND-AND AIR CONDITIONING...and seats...with cupholders...and a non blurry, non M&M and Joojoo fruit pocked sceen...it's beautiful). It was fantastic--much truer to the book than the orginial movie and much more triptastic. Really. Very. Good. Definately need to see it in theater though.

Can't decide what I want to do this weekend. I might go home but most of the hotels are full this weekend for some reason.

This little girl (she plays Veruca Salt) scares the BEJEESUS out of me. I think I'm going to have nightmares.

i need a nightlight.

just to review

2005-07-13T21:28:00.000-04:00

mind of mencia
=
FUNNY

Stella
=
incredibly, saddeningly, disappointedly UNFUNNY

Oh, I wanted it to be good. I SOOOO wanted it to be good. I guess it just shows you NOTHING good came from the State.

Well, except Reno 911. Oops.

Michael Ian Black, you used to be cool, man. The State was cool.

see??
Now you're just a good candidate for Ritalin. And a channel change.

back in the DAY...

2005-07-13T20:16:00.000-04:00

...he was ALWAYS my FAVORITE Real World cast member. And OMG--he has a website. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! : )

Oh, I also loved Jason, from the Boston cast.

Oh, yeah. And Danny, for New Orleans...and of course, Julie. Who turned into a douchebag...figures.

Guess you can see I don't have a whole hell of a lot to talk about. I'm just waiting for CSI: NY to come on.

I see no point in celebrating the fact that she's lived so BLOODY LONG.

2005-07-12T21:01:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, Jennifer Saunders! Cheers, sweetie dah-ling!

OMG (or why I should just stay inside)

2005-07-10T21:47:00.000-04:00

listening: Tabla Solo in Shikhar Tal, Ravi Shankar

Oh wait. Don't go. You have to hear...I'll turn down the sitar. Really? Ok, let me find something else...

listening: Farmhouse, Phish

Ok, that's better.

ANYWAY...as I said I may have mentioned, I was a little hungover this morning when I woke up. I had plans to go visit my mum at college so I dragged my ass into the shower and headed out. We had a great time. I was planning on blogging about some of the stuff we talked about, but I think I'll do that tomorrow, as my normally scheduled blog has been prempted for One of the Craziest Things That Has Ever Happened To Me. I loves my life.

So I drove back from Durham without a hitch and headed up to Stop and Shop to get:
1. Dog food, Beneful Healthy Weight, one bag of
2. Watermelon, "seedless"--yeah right, one quarter of
3. Celery, whole head of (currently ADDICTED to celery--what does that mean??)
4. (unplanned) Trident Whitening, one pack of

All in all, the total came to $12.00 total. I had $15.00 on me so I fed it into the little self checker and headed back to my car. I was thinking about how I don't think I thanked Jim for dinner last night. I was thinking about how I need to find a place to live in Keene. I was thinking about the fact that I didn't feel well and those clam strips I had at Newick's weren't sitting well and how I should have picked up Tums. I was thinking about my mom. I put my groceries into the trunk, got in my car and started home, all pleased with myself because I found yet another shortcut.

What I WASN'T thinking of was that I left my purse (containing cell phone, check book, wallet, cash, credit card, debit card, license, social security card (I know, I'm stupid, I shouldn't have it in there), new tube of lip gloss that I LOVE and just bought, flash drive and gum) in the cart. Also, said purse is a ~~Burberry~~ ok ok it's a fake Burberry, with matching wallet, that roommate got me IN CHINA. I turned my ass around quicker than you can say "Nervous breakdown" and sped back to Stop and Shop. My purse, of course, silly Jen, is gone. Gone, gone, gone. Some lady saw me standing there, close to tears and bellowed "YOU LOSE A PURSE?! I SAW TWO PUERTO RICANS WITH IT, THEY JUST LEFT!!"

So, rather ingeniously I think (despite that fact that I was in this f-ing situation to begin with) I called my cellphone, in hopes that they would answer. She did. Little old spanish lady, who tried SO HARD to give me directions (neither spoke the others language. Five years of Spanish and I got nothing). I drove around for three and half hours (I HATE THIS CITY!!) looking for her address and when I got there, this little, teeny tiny girl told me that she had just dropped it off at Stop and Shop because her mama had to go to church and they thought I was lost. I got to Stop and Shop and THERE IT WAS. Cellphone, cash, credit cards--all there. Lip gloss-CHECK. Can you believe that? The kindness of strangers, ya'll. Where the crap would I be without it? In tears. In tears having a nervous f-ing breakdown. Best part of the whole thing is that they called half the people in my phone book. So if you got a call--I'm sorry. I am not kidnapped, hijacked, lost or dead.

I am one lucky beyatch.

Also exhausted.

Nighters.

drag queens and margaritas and whitney--oh my!

2005-07-10T11:27:00.000-04:00

listening: Love Generation, Bob Sinclair (via the blue room @ bbc)

Good morning! And it is really morning. I can't believe I dragged my raggedy ass out of bed before noon today.

What a lovely time last night. Nick and Jim (who is JUST the nicest guy on the face of the planet, really, really) got me out of the house for dinner at Cactus Jacks and then on a little barhopping tour of Manchester. We ended up at the Breezeway, which is an uberfab dive bar on a side street off of Elm. Jim was worried I would be uncomfortable(please, I've been to worse). Good DJ, nice shot boys. Pitcher of beer. Shot from the shot boy (poor kiddo...I hope in January they let him where something more than skivvies). We were rushed out by "the gayest fire alarm ever", as apparently the laundromat at the front of the block was on fire. I called it the biggest outing ever. Now, I've heard of flamers but this is...ok, I'll stop.

We started walking towards where I THOUGHT the Wild Rover was (I still have no idea where the bar went off to). We ended up at Margaritas (heaven help us) and had three or four pitchers of Margaritas ("hey, can I have one of these with alcohol in it") and attempted to get drunk. I don't know if there was tequila in those margaritas, but we got silly. Headed back down Elm towards the car and went BACK to the Breezeway, which had grown increasingly more busy in our absence (and I say it's always good when you can air kiss the shot boy on the way in). Another pitcher of beer and some good dancing (there's a great DJ there BTW). And I'm the only girl (real girl) who gets asked to dance at a gay club. I didn't. I didn't have good dancing shoes on anyway.

Anyway, it was a good time. I went to bed at 4am and woke up at 930. Going over to see my mum at college this afternoon, hoping I don't get lost.

OMG, I know this is a stupid question, but does anyone else find it inexplicably impossible to look away from the train wreck from hell that is Being Bobby Brown? Hell to the NO!

there's no crying in baseball

2005-07-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

listening: Beautiful Day Without You, Royksopp

Arrrgh, I'm in a pirate mood this AM. Actually it's not AM is it? It's PM. I slept until 11 o'clock this morning because I am bum and I needed my beauty sleep. Now I need to clean before Nick gets here and I can't drag my ass upstairs to clean the bathroom. Penny got a bath this morning and there's dog hair everywhere. So I've elected to surf the web and listen to the Blue Room instead. Kickass.

Happy birthday to Mr. Hanks...still dreamy after all these years. I LOVE the Money Pit and Splash and Punchline and Big and the Man with One Red Shoe and Bonfire of the Vanities AND Volunteers--even A League of Their Own, you were f-ing brilliant. Make more movies like that, Tommy. And, OMG, The `burbs, you should have one an OSCAR for that. Screw Forrest. Even Apollo 13 was fantastic. Or at least do something where you use your own voice. You haven't done that since Green Mile or Castaway and even then...well, it wasn't you (and you looked scary in Castaway, kind of like Iggy Pop but more...skinny? Is that possible?). Exhibit A: Forrest Gump, Exhibit B The Terminal, Exhibit C The Ladykillers...I could go on and on.

Or look up Peter Scolari and do another Bosom Buddies. Alternate lifestyles are very hott right now. I don't know what the premise of the show would be--but put on a dress anyway.

Err...enough wasting time...laters.

Re: Lord help us

2005-07-07T09:39:00.000-04:00

I don't know. What a crazy world we live in. All that scaredycat communist crap that went on when our parents were kids was so much
smaller than this. When they were kids, the terror was only in their
minds and in the propaganda. We have to see it. I hate it. I hate not
feeling safe.

You know what made me angry?

I woke up to the news on NPR this morning and they were talking about it and I was like "What? Where? Huh?". I turned on CNN and there was nothing on it so I thought I imagined or dreamed it or something so I got in the shower. When I got out my radio was on again and they were saying "London" so I turned CNN back on again and NOTHING. I was like, ok. BBC America--right? They must be reporting something. Um, no. I turned the radio back on and listened to the report and flipped back to CNN. Still nothing. Oh, wait. The ticker on the bottom of the screen was listing details. The reporter was talking about how "Lil Kim" had to go to jail.

HELLO?!

There are more important things going on in the world right now, dumbass. If this had happened in New York or Boston or San Francisco or Chicago or Miami or Los Angeles or Seattle or EVEN KEENE, CNN would have done up graphics and had thirty seven reporters on the scene. What the hell is wrong with us? Aren't England and America supposed to be like BFF or something? Don't Blair and Bush hold hands and have sleepovers? I mean, come on. What kind of journalistic integrity are we supposed to expect from CNN if they're reporting on Lil Kim instead of unsuspecting, still-high-from-the-Olympics mums and dads blown apart and frightened people trapped underground?

I just don't know. It's depressing. We'll see what Bush says. I bet he doesn't use big words like "barbaric" .

Why?

2005-07-07T09:19:00.000-04:00

London rocked by terror attacks: At least two people have been killed and scores injured after three blasts on the Underground network and another on a double-decker bus in London.

hey isn't that the kid from Salute Your Shorts?

2005-07-06T21:47:00.000-04:00

I don't know what made me start poking around Rhapsody for them tonight. I read an article on them in Spin this month and I also heard somewhere that they were opening for Coldplay for a couple of shows (which would be cool but I don't have the $699.00 to shell out tix in Boston--good LORD). I like it. Jenny sounds a lot like Tanya Donelly and someone else I can't put my finger on...I'll think of it. I downloaded and burned both "More Adventurous" and "Takeoffs and Landings". It's not emo-shit either. It'll be a good addition, I needed something new.
Argh what a week. I feel like I've been in slow motion. I don't think I'm getting enough sleep. I haven't been dreaming, or at least I don't think I have--I usually remember my dreams. I wake up feeling yucky and sick to my stomach. I hate four day work weeks. They're so much worse than regular five day work weeks. Like five days of crap has to be shoved into four days. I didn't want to do anything. I surfed for most of the day, shopping for mp3 players (I'm getting this one, in pink!)and reading trashy celeb websites, which I am currently addicted to.

Hey, it's ten o'clock. Should I go sleepies...oh, wait. CSI is on. Carmine's so dreamy...:)

Laters.

Okay Chris, you can spank me now

2005-07-04T16:11:00.000-04:00

All right, all right, I'll admit it. Neil gave me X&Y about a month ago to listen to since I hadn't bought it yet. I'd been waiting and waiting and waiting for it to come out and I was actually counting down the days to the release. I even paid to get "Speed of Sound" from iTunes when they released it. Yes, I was the one who cried when I first listened to Parachutes all the way through. And yes, I was the one who HAD to have Rush of Blood to the Head and listened it to it so much that I had to buy another copy. And I also beleive I was the one who spent $70.00 on a set of burned CDs on ebay of all their unreleased stuff. I also shelled out over $350.00 to see them when they came to Connecticut last time. I'd say I'm a pretty faithful, hopelessly devoted, hardcore ~~stalker~~ fan.

But I didn't listen to X&Y.

I let it sit on the kitchen counter for a month. I knew it was there. I saw it every day, a couple of times a day.

But I didn't listen to it.

Partly because of articles like this. Are they the next U2? What if they suck? What if Stick Insect Actress Wife curses the band like Yoko? What if Chris starts wearing wrap around sunglasses and refers to himself as "The Fly"? Pretty friggin' frightening, folks. Also, Speed of Sound video...not so fantastic. Little overplayed, VH1. You should at least play two other videos BEFORE replaying it. Or change your name to CP1 and get it over with.

So I was getting ready to head back to Keene for the fourth on Saturday and had all my crap up on the kitchen counter. Sunglasses, check. Car keys, check. Dog bones, check. Cell phone, check. There X&Y sat, gathering dust. At the last minute, I grabbed it. Halfway into Bedford, I popped Faithless out and put it in.

All I have to say is holy balls, I need to be spanked, Mister Martin. It has to be one of the best albums I've heard (and I've heard a lot, folks. I don't have any hobbies) and, yes Neil, the best album they've released. It's important to understand, if you're not as wholly saturated in the boys as I am, that Parachutes, ROBTH and X&Y are completely different albums. None of them sound like the other (which is why I think they are NOT the next U2. It took Bono and co. almost four albums (Boy, War, October, Unforgettable Fire) before they came up with something that sounded different.) Anyway, I'm babbling and I'm sure you don't care. It's bloody brilliant and beautiful and fantastic. If you don't have it, go get it.

Happy fourth, BTW. Hope you all had fun and didn't drink too much. I did not drink too much. I drank very little. Went to Tony's with Neil Saturday night and had a few beers. Laid out in the sun with my mom all day Sunday and floated in the pool. Last night went to the Dark Star with Neil for a beer and got hit in the back of the head with the chalk of somebody's pool cue, which is always a good time. It was totally dead; I think we were two of the six people in there. And they were blasting the a/c and I have no idea why. It was below 60 last night. I slept late this morning and hung out with Moms before she headed back to UNH to start her masters course. Very proud of my Mum.

So now I'm just chillin'. Lilly loves to stare at the computer screen while I type, it's weird. She acts like she's reading and flexes her claw back and forth. Now she's leaning forward and her eyes are all big like she knows I'm writing about her. Weirdo baby cat.

Have a good afternoon.

a thousand barefoot children outside, dancing on my lawn

2005-07-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

listening: My Friend My Friend, Rift, Phish

I LOVE the fourth of July. It's not because I'm uberpatriotic. Yes, I've contemplated jumping the border for Canada and subsiding on french fries and gravy and loonies for the rest of life just to avoid being lumped into the special ed class called America that W has been driving around on a short bus for the last five years. That's a terrible image. I just imagine W as Otto from the Simpsons.

But I digress.

I just love the fourth of July. Not because of the cookouts and the fireworks and the excessive drinking. I just like the whole weekend. It's a long weekend. It's a weekend of hanging out with friends and enjoying just BEING.

I've kicked my electronica habit yet again this summer. Last summer it was the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. This year it's Phish, Jack Johnson and Ben Harper. I don't know what it is. I just need something with a little more substance this time of year.

I was kind of hoping these and these would be here by these weekend but they won't be here until Tuesday. :( I have a pair like this but they're dark blue with pink whales. They're getting worn down because I love them so.

It's so freakin' gorgeous here today.

I'm heading home to spend quality time with the fam and the friends.

Have a safe weekend, ya'll.

< yawn >

2005-07-01T13:02:00.000-04:00

Holy balls, I'm bored. This day is creeeeeeeeeeeeeping by and I'm just kind of sitting here, trying to stretch the work I do have into the next four and half hours (unfortunately, it's about a half hour of work, which explains why I'm blogging from work). I swear, Fridays before long weekends have to be the worse. I'm going home this weekend but I have no idea where I'm staying or what I'm doing or anything. Nick is going to Oguinquit with The New One, meaning I don't have a room at the Washington Sreet B&B and may be facing two nights on Neil's massive leather couch . I have a strange feeling I'm going to be drinking a lot. Not really sure what the universe has in store for me. It's my mother's last weekend before she goes to college (she's getting her masters) and I won't see her again until the second week of August, when we all fly down to Orlando for my sister's graduation. I'm flying Friday night at like 830pm (I just got my tickets from the home office)--only $87.80 on Southwest. That's a crime. No seat assignments though. That bugged me out. I so do not want to be crammed in a window seat with a bunch of kids or some old dude.
I've been flipping between screens, doing some work, the writing a little but my system is soooo freaking slow, I'm going to let it sit for a second.

Couple of new discoveries:

OMG, he is, like, the best fag ever. Like Queen of the Gays. LOVE it.

I've also gotten sucked into the celebrity bashing circuit, branching out from Gallery of the Absurd. It's slow, people. I get bored. I read blogs all day and get paid.

Your Birthdate: November 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.

You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.

You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.

Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.

A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.

You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.

Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2005-06-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Random tunes, baby
Rhapsody Playlist:
1. Ghost Train - Gorillaz
2. The Back Of Love - Echo & The Bunnymen
3. Stereo - Pavement
4. Triad - Jefferson Airplane
5. Disenchanted - Everything But The Girl
6. Please Me Like You Want To - Ben Harper
7. My Sweet One - Phish
8. Mojo Pin - Jeff Buckley
9. Mmm Skyscraper I Love You - Underworld
10. Obstacle 1 - Interpol
11. Slow Marimbas - Peter Gabriel
12. Let Go - Frou Frou
13. Nature Is The Law - Richard Ashcroft
14. Sunday 8PM - Faithless
15. Follow The Light - Travis
16. Flowers In The Window - Travis

Poll: Disapproval of Bush at high point

2005-06-28T09:49:00.000-04:00

Someone once said to me--the tide is turning. People are waking up. The dark side is starting to fade.
The number of Americans disapproving of President Bush's job performance has risen to the highest level of his presidency, according to the CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll released Monday.

2005-06-27T21:56:00.000-04:00

Nothing much to report.

Monday's are always...interesting. Never sure what's going to happen. Found some extremely cheap seats on Southwest for tickets to go to Florida to go see me sister. Very exciting.

Yeah, like I said.

Random mix for Monday, June 26th
Rhapsody Playlist:
1. Roygbiv - Boards of Canada
2. Character Zero - Phish
3. Neon Wilderness - The Verve
4. Dreddoverboard (DJ Food Mix) - Nightmares On Wax
5. Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
6. Flight '96 - Chavez
7. Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis
8. 6'1' - Liz Phair
9. Weigh - Phish
10. Forgiven - Ben Harper And The Innocent Criminals
11. Get Up Stand Up - Bob Marley
12. Everloving - Moby
13. Amber - 311
14. Posters - Jack Johnson
15. Pebbles And Marbles - Phish
16. 5/4 Five Four - Gorillaz
17. Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell - The Flaming Lips
18. In My Bones - Groove Armada
19. Wood Cabin - Saint Etienne
20. Heavy Things - Phish
21. We Come I - Faithless
22. Flutter Girl - Chris Cornell

Random playlist for Sunday, June 25th

2005-06-26T18:48:00.000-04:00

Random playlist for Sunday, June 25th:
1. White Ladder - David Gray
2. Gasoline - Audioslave
3. 12D3 - Gorillaz
4. Velvet Morning - The Verve
5. Kiss That Frog - Peter Gabriel
6. Inside - Moby
7. D.J.s - Sublime (Punk)
8. Ashes - Ben Harper
9. Waves - Hooverphonic
10. Lose That Girl - Saint Etienne
11. Born Slippy (NUXX) - Underworld
12. Swingers - Faithless
13. Harmonic - Hex (Ambient)
14. Gone - Jack Johnson
15. Foam - Phish
16. Battery In Your Leg - Blur
17. She's Only Happy In The Sun - Ben Harper

2005-06-26T18:19:00.000-04:00

Listening: Love Like Laughter, Central Reservation, Beth Orton

Another Sunday down. 28 more to go.

Uber hot today. Went to the beach with Nickolas, with my 45 SPF and no bathing suit. The Atlantic is too cold this time of year for full blown swimming. Actually, the Atlantic is too cold for swimming almost all the time. We went to a lesser known beach, no boardwalks or arcades to gum up the works. There are so gorgeous houses (read: mansions) in North Hampton. They're all really old and worth a lot of money, more money than I think I'll ever want to see. And I know that's just the tip of the iceberg. There are some houses up in Port Elizabeth, near Portland, that make these look like subsidized housing. The sun was so hot that there was steam rising up off of the wet sand. The dry sand was unbearable and couldn't wait to dip my feet in the ocean. It actually wasn't that bad--60-63 degrees. We walked down the beach and let the water suck at our toes. Nick skipped rocks. I waded too deep and got a nice big kiss on the bum before deciding to say "f it!" and went in up to my waist. Who cares if I got my jean skirt soaked? It was fun.
Later, we sat out on the rocks that line the extremely expensive beach bungalows and watches the tide come in. I was watching the rocks that were scattered a long the shoreline. The rocks were left from the last tide and the waves would push them forward and pull them back. Some would stay but other would disappear beneath the rush of sand and foam.
I sat there thinking, how like life. How like MY life. We are all stones. At some point or another, we were thrown into this great ocean of our daily lives. Occasionally we are thrown onto the shores of something new. Some of us manage to stay. Some of us return to the ocean. Over and over and over again it happens.
Did I mention I can't wait to move?

2005-06-21T22:06:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, I present Powder's new album.

Oh, that's Billy Corgan?
Nevermind.

full moon california

2005-06-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

listening: Stash, Picture of Nectar, Phish

The sun was setting tonight, at like 10 o'clock, which is amazing. Still light out, still warm. It was cold last night (and I even wrote last night and was such a tard that I erased it on accident), but tonight it's warm and syrupy. Maybe this is what California is like all year round. `Course I have no idea since I've NEVER been there. But I can imagine. Imagine that everything is perfect there.
Extremely strange astral weather lately. Yesterday was a lazy day. Neil came up Saturday night and I didn't go to be until almost 5 in the morning. I had thrown Better Living through Circuitry and fell asleep right around when they started talking about Carl Cox...I think...and woke up to the DVD menu music. Tried to sleep on the couch but managed to get upstairs and fall into bed, not before staring out my window, watching the sky go from electric blue to lavendar, realizing in my blurry mind as I fell asleep that the sun was coming up. Woke up too early, roommate and I witnessed a full blown domestic disturbance in the parking lot behind our house. Did the nosy thing by running upstairs to see if we could get a better view. At the grocery store, a couple walked by us, arguing and the girl finally hissed "GOD, just stop TALKING to me!".

Slightly hilarious, as we, roommate and I, were getting along famously, unlike every day other day of the year. And the good, strange mood as carried over onto a Monday. Work went quick and then we were home again. I don't know if it's the weather or not.

Coworker went to Keene for training last week and brought me back a map of the Monadnock Region. It's very cartoony, with all the little towns mapped out. I love it. I hung it up under my Costa Rica map and meditate on it when I want to run screaming from the building.

Interesting mix from rhapsody tonight, check it out [note to self: buy a bloody mp3 player, bitch!]:
random mix 6/20/05:
"1. Stash - Phish
2. Galactic Funk (Tau Ceti Mix) - DJ Spooky
3. Rosenberg - Gus Gus
4. Down With Disease - Phish
5. Dream Brother - Jeff Buckley
6. Black Metallic - Catherine Wheel
7. America - M83
8. Tesko Suicide - Sneaker Pimps
9. Ripple - Grateful Dead
10. The Farm - Jefferson Airplane
11. Situations - Jack Johnson
12. World Of Two - Cake
13. Pitch The Baby - Cocteau Twins
14. Dirty Boots - Sonic Youth
15. Cherry - Ratatat
16. We Walk The Same Line - Everything But The Girl
17. Dark & Long (Dark Train) - Underworld"

glorious

2005-06-18T17:53:00.000-04:00

listening: It's For You, Out Hud <via The Blue Room @ BBC>

Ah, lovely day. Warm enough to have to windows open, not the sweltering, dripping heat we had last weekend. Windows open, music cranked (verrry funky stuff), Neil on the way up (Nick mysteriously missing--Nick, where ARE you?), lovely house all to myself.
Nudging (word I made up--means poking about) around the web this afternoon. Downloaded some mixing software, as I've had a kickass little mix in my head for a couple of days. Need to get it out of my head and onto "paper" so to speak.
This made me laugh out loud into my empty apartment..as did this...aren't I jolly this afternoon...
So I'm moving back home in less than seven months. I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. What it's going to be like, what I'm going to do. Keene is a much simpler place. People don't seem as fake and there's a general good feeling there. Manchester is just so abrasive.
And my hobbit name would be Marigold Loamsdown of Deephallow.
My elf name would be Nerwen Carnesîr. It's so nice to know someone out there is a bigger dork than I. I think I'm going to legally change my name to Nerwen.
Gee...do you think marijuana leads to short attention span.
Personally, I think it's television.
When is Olo Moss of Lake-By-Downs going to get here?
I crack myself up.

I dreamed we were there.

2005-06-12T15:34:00.000-04:00

I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see, because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules, of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them, and was repaired. Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so.

Many strange sad thoughts this afternoon. Angels in America was on HBO, the last part and as usual, I sat and watched. That movie...it's not just a movie. It's horrifically painful and beautiful, wrenches your heart from your chest and makes your brain spasm and recoil with thought after thought.

My mother said something to me this week. Something that I haven't been able to shake since she's said it, that's rotated in my mind like a song in a jukebox, day after day after day.

"Are you friends with [them] because you are trying to hold on to David?"

Now, if you know me, or if you've read a few past posts, you will know, and now know, that David was my uncle, my mother's youngest and half brother. He was gay. He had AIDS.

He died.

In simple words, that is who he was. In unsimple, complicated, messy words--he was my uncle and I loved him with a raging, burning heart. He was an amazing person. He did amazing things. He had an amazing voice.

Yet he died a horrible death, literally rotting away in front of me until his lungs could no longer push breath and he choked to death on his own fluids in the middle of the night in January of 1995.

No human being, no living person should be sentenced that kind of death. To die in the dark, alone. No God, no kind and generous God, no benevolent God would let that happen to someone who sang in His choir, sang "Oh Holy Night" during Christmas Eve services so clearly and beautifully that I can STILL hear him---and I'm not even straining to listen.

He was my champion, my hero, my friend, my closest family member. Someone who I felt could understand, who understood me, who saw in me what I thought no one could see.

And yet, he died. Ten years ago in fact. Ten years. Since then--well, I'm a grown up. I'm not fifteen. I'm not confused. I'm not afraid.

And I certainly do not confuse my dear, dear friends with my dear, dear departed uncle.

Of course, I understand her fear. Why would a normal straight girl want to be around homosexual males? What does she gain from it? Is she using them to regain the uncle she lost, who she didn't have enough time with?

Because if she is, that isn't fair.

Such questions from my mother's mouth, in her voice, cutting me like razor blades.

I do not struggle with delusions that my friends are really my dead uncle. I do believe in reincarnation--but that's ludicrous. My struggle is to keep David's legacy alive. His presence has only made me a more caring, understanding, open-minded, available person.

It hasn't made me crazy.

And yes, there are occasions, like at the end of Angels in America when I weep for him. Like my heart is breaking. Because I would have liked to have known him in this world, my adult world. I would have very much liked for him to have known me. I would very much liked to have him see the person I've become, instead of clinging to me one night a few weeks before he died, holding me so tight I couldn't breath, whispering about how much he wanted to see me grown, graduated, adult. I would have liked for him to still be here.

But he isn't. So there will be times that I will still miss him with my entire being, will cry for him, will feel a great quivering loss for my uncle and my friend.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

"This disease will be the end of many of us, but not nearly all. And the dead will be commemorated, and we'll struggle on with the living, and we are not going away. We won't die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come."

All quotes from this post were taken from "Angels in America"

release

2005-06-06T22:01:00.000-04:00

listening:Staralfur, Agaetis Byrjun, Sigur Ros

release.

Yes, finally sweet release. Like something has been lifted from me.

I am moving home.

all quiet on the southeastern front

2005-06-02T22:42:00.000-04:00

listening: 'welcome to the north', the music

There are a 100 reasons I should have a headace but I don't. I love four day work weeks. And I got an extra hour and a half of sleep today because my alarm inexplicably didn't go off. Usually, NPR is right there to coax me out of sleep at 6:30 am with it's insightful and thoughtful news. No NPR this morning. What the F? I woke up, discombobulated and panicky, at 7:45. Not a good way to start the day.

Roommate and I discussed future plans. Roommate feels situation is semipermanent (What the HELL does that mean, anyway? Either it's permanent or not permanent). I would eventually like to make my way back to Keene or small town in vincinity of Keene. I miss it. Life is funny. Spent 18 years trying to get out and I've spent the last five trying to get back.

Absolutely dead silent up on the Hill tonight. No jets going overhead, no motorcycles. Only the slightly groggy hum of our neighbor's air conditioner, awoken from it's winter slumber. C'mon, neighbor people. It's not the hot out. Baby Lily is sleeping on the arm of the love seat beside me. She's grown at an astonding rate in the two weeks we've had her--she's going to be a huge cat. I woke her up just to be a bitch. I like the way she yawns. Now she's attacking my feet. How sweet.

Good night.

50, 000 miles from home

2005-05-31T18:50:00.000-04:00

listening: 'Crazy English Summer', Outrospective, Faithless
reading: Can't Find My Way Home: The Great American Stoned Age 1945-2000 by Martin Torgoff

I love the way Sister Bliss sings that line in Crazy English Summer--"...fifty THOU-sand miles from home..."

Feels like that sometimes. In actuality, it's about 60 miles from home but in all honesty, I feel 500, 000 miles away from where I started. Yes, it has been a long time since I posted but I'm not going to get into the how and why and where and when. Just begin again. Begin to get out what's in, that's been in.

I was home this weekend (Keene) for Memorial Day. My parents road is so bright and green, it hurts to look. Funny how, after a winter like we had, bitter cold, winds like you wouldn't believe and more snow than we've had in a long time, that the grass remembers how to grow, the trees remember how to wear their leaves. The snow goes away. I was encompassed by an enormous amount of hope as I steered Natascha up their road, thrilling at the bumps and the greenery. Everything starts over. Everything remembers how to live, no matter how much cold and shit has been thrown down on it.

Home was fun. Always something new that is really old, always laughing until you want to throw up and burst into space, always thoughtful, serious conversations that turn into goodnatured shouting matches. Struck me this weekend how old we are getting. Sitting in Brattleboro on the river, eating lunch and drinking beer in the middle of the day, arguing about mercury levels in fish. Much different from the darling threesome we once were, but completely, entirely, unmovingly, unchangingly the exact same.

Currently reading Can't Find my Way Home, which has got me hooked. Strongly, strongly recommend. Reading about the 60's gives me an overwhelming feeling of "Awww...I missed it." The modern Renaissance. The next evolutionary leap. A shift in thinking and doing. It makes me homesick and sad to think that innocence is gone--an innocence I want. So many important things were said and made and done and sung and painted and written. It's been an insane read so far. It's feeding my brain. I can't seem to put the bloody thing down. It's almost like my brain is starving, tired of brainless television shows. On a sidenote though, Six Feet Under starts this week--huzzah! And it's the last season?! What?! Didn't know that. Balls.

The sun is shining into my living room and every animal is asleep. Baby kitty is on the couch, Max is on the coffee table and Penny is sleeping in her crate, dead to the world.

Will write more when I can think in full sentences.

but i knew exactly where i was

2004-07-24T16:18:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness this afternoon. I found the first disc while Neil was cleaning out the mudroom and, after a vague attempt to get my other recently found CD (The Verve, 'Urban Hymns', quite possibly one of the best rock albums of the 90's if not the history of music) to play, I popped it in.

I've been listening to the Smashing Pumpkins since I bought 'Siamese Dream' in, oh, I don't know...1994, maybe? I hadn't really owned an album like Dream before. I had begun to dabble into teenage angst and woe and somehow, Billy Corgan voiced my rage like a pro...something my long-time love, Adam Duritz, had never been able to do. Adam would sit in the rain on a park bench and gaze longingly into space while he lamented his sadness.

Billy would jump onto the bench, whip out a can of gasoline and set the world on fire.

It was this blatent 'fuck you' attitude that drew me to the Pumpkins. I wore Siamese Dream out. This was, of course, in the days before I owned CDs. The paint wore away, no longer indicated Side A or Side B. I didn't care. I listened to it until I knew the words better than Billy himself, knew the rage in his voice, the longing in his words.

Mellon Collie came out in 1995 and it BLEW ME AWAY. I was fifteen, pissed off and misunderstood, unhappy with every aspect of my life. I was writing at my most hard core then, just beginning to write on a computer. I listened to it as loud as my little RCA crap-stereo from Kmart would go. Believing and feeling the words...despite all my rage, I was still just a rat in a cage.

It was truly, in my opinion, their last great album. Now, I know, 'adore' is simply beautiful, but for the pissed off angry teen brain, you can't get any better then Mellon Collie (and 'machina', did anyone really even listen to that). 'Siamese Dream' was the angry childhood of the Pumpkins, their slingshot and cherry bombs era, something I think this generation (which is STILL my generation, but I don't feel any of the angsty teenage anger bands had that strange, sumptous rage like Billy and Co. OWNED on 'Siamese'. No one nowadays has what they had). I feel Mellon Collie was their record where you realized they were SERIOUS. Billy had the genius of a musician that I don't think the real world will really recognize until much later. Although I feel that Mellon Collie really thrust the Pumpkins into that much-dreaded "mainstream", I don't think that the casual listener really delved into the rest of the Pumpkins' opus. It was an EPIC album that suddenly burst forth as one of the finest creations of rock on the planet. I always say it's better to burn off than to fade away. And the Pumpkins did just that (save the cartoonish position Corgan know holds as the headman of the feel good, ultra crap rock band Zwan. We're not even going to go there.). They honestly went down in a blazing, psychedelic ice cream truck, safe into the part of brain who forgots about them for a while. Until they poke through again, reminding me off things that I hadn't thought of in years.

"i fear that i am ordinary, just like everyone
to lie here and die among the sorrows adrift among the days
for everything i ever said and everything i've ever done is gone and dead
as all things must surely have to end and great loves will one day have to part
i know that i am meant for this world my life has been extraordinary blessed and cursed and won
time heals but i'm forever broken by and by the way
have you ever heard the words i 'm singing in these song? it's for the girl i've loved all along
can a taste of love be so wrong as all things must surely have to end
and great loves will one day have to part i know that i am meant for this world
and in my mind as i was floating far above the clouds some children laughed
i'd fall for certain for thinking that i'd last forever
but i knew exactly where i was
and i knew the meaning of it all
and i knew the the distance to the sun
and i knew the echo that is love
and i knew the secrets in your spires
and i knew the emptiness of youth
and i knew the solitude of heart
and i knew the murmurs of the soul
and the world is drawn into your hands
and the world is etched upon your heart
and the world so hard to understand
is the world you can't live without
and i knew the silence of the world."

-'Muzzle', the Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

exile on main street

2004-07-03T15:56:00.000-04:00

Hi.
It's been a year and nearly two months since my last post. I lost jenlyn.com last summer and haven't had the gumption to start again. I found myself needing a place to put my thoughts, other than in my head. Summer always does this to me. I find myself needing an outlet, online or offline, to store every thought that has built up in my head since last summer.
I'm listening to the Stone's 'Exile on Main Street' this afternoon. It arrived in the mail today and, I have to say, I enjoy is immensly. That's another thing. I've found myself seeking out the music of my youth.
Well, not nessacarily MY youth. The bands that have been spinning in my CD player lately are mostly those of my PARENT'S youth...even what the may have listened to when they were my age, an age I am beginning to refer to less and less as "youth". I find myself drawn to this kind of music. Maybe because it's a precious relic from another age, a simpler time, a time that I never experienced but I time I yearn for increasingly every day. I don't know what it is. The last couple of weekends, I've been playing Zeppelin II and the Who's greatest hits on a loop. I needed, no CRAVED more. The way it makes me feel...I can't describe it. It makes my soul feel quiet and still. Since our record player is on the eternal fritz, I went on HALF.COM and bought more to assuage my craving. They don't make a patch for this kind of thing.
Maybe I need something to hold on to. Throughout the winter and spring, I listen to electronica CONSTANTLY. And Coldplay. That's it. On a loop in my car. For weeks. I was starving for something with a little more substance, something that would stick to my ribs (not that Coldplay is not substantial. Sorry. They are my favorite band on the planet...but I find either a.)I need to enjoy them in moderation, as Chris's heartbreak and sorrow will drag you down into a blur of Radiohead-like shrills and pining or b.)they NEED to put out another album, stat. I have worn both Parachutes AND ROBTH down and the live CD is great but...one can swallow only so many tears for loves lost.). Electronica can bring you higher emotionally and mentally, but sometimes, especially this time of year, it feels like a Snickers bar to me. You eat it when you're hungry, you dance for joy and you end up feeling empty 20 minutes later, with a headache and an urge to brush your teeth.
So I found something with a little more meat on it's bones. There's something incredibly sexy and seductive about listening to Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones, the Who, Bob Dylan. I like the way each of them makes me feel. Sure, they sing about the same things as our modern "artists" do: lost love, found love, drugs and love. But they do it BETTER. More sincere. There's something hugely enjoyable about listening to an album and knowing that it is incredibly organic (ok, ok I know there are synths on a lot of Zeppelin's albums, the Who, too). I think I could compare this music to pulling a tomato from it's vine in the garden and biting into it, letting the sunwarmed tangy flesh to melt on your tongue, having to brush off the dirt from the skin before taking another bite. It's feels like the dust on your shoes or the wind through your fingers as you're driving down the highway. It's achingly raw and real and true.
Probably explains why I was kind of cranky this afternoon when I returned from the dump this afternoon to find Neil listening to the blaring, Euroshit techno babble (it has a name: Chumbawumba) that was nearly turning my stomach. Granted, they are a really inventive and interesting group (they are NOT a band), but it was giving me an aspartame headache. It grated on my nerves until he finally tired of it and threw Blur in the stereo (not a bad choice but a bit rich for my tastes today). So sue me for being a bit frowny all afternoon. I threw Exile in when he left and I feel much better now.
Quite a long post about practically nothing at all. Life has remained painfully normal these last 14 months. Neil and I kicked Mikey (see previous posts) out the week of my birthday. We moved into the downstairs apartment in June when Lora (also see previous posts) moved out. I still work where I used to work. I actually quit the last week of December (I couldn't do it anymore. My Christmas was LITERALLY ruined and I was pulling my air out) but they offered me a new position, which I do enjoy. I feel more comfortable there these days, probably because I've worked there nearly four years. Feels like home.
Talk to you soon.

I'm a new day rising, I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight, but I'm a little divided, do I stay or run away and leave it all behind...

2003-05-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

Yikes.
Yeah, don't freak out. I know that's the Foo brothers up there. It's still Coldplay on the front page.
Anyway, like I was saying...
Yikes. I haven't posed in a while. It's because I'm lazy. I don't have much to say these days. It seems like one week melds into the next, leaving me with the same thoughts I had a week ago. Work is work, life is life. It all seems like I've been here before anyway.
And all I end up doing here is bitch about work and talk about the I Love the 80's show on VH1...cuz I'm a DORK.
To top it all off, here it is Mother's Day and I have no Mother's Day present. What a terrible daughter I am.
And I want to write today and my brain feels like it's numb.
ARGH!
I'm just so frustrated. Money sucks, work sucks, homelife that was seemingly perfect is taking a swan dive. Neil got $250.00 stolen out of his wallet last night at work. His wallet was in his backpack, not in his locker. Just on the floor. C'mon! He might as well as just left it in the middle of the floor with a big "STEAL ME" sign on it. And I needed $89.00 of that money to pay our HORRENDOUSLY HUGE phone bill that will never die. Me, with $3.00 to my name. I wish I wasn't so bad with money. I spend too much, and I'm totally addicted to ebay.
We went and saw X-Men (or X2) or HOWEVER the hell you want to say it yesterday. It was mega, I loved it. It's better than the first one. I know that's a bold statement, but it is.
I can't think of anything more to write.

strange things are afoot at the Circle K

2003-04-01T21:38:00.000-05:00

Oh, help.
I try and I try and I try...
I just can't resist I Love the 80's on VH1. Every time it's on I think "I'll just watch a minute (just enough to see Hal Sparks, really). Then I end up watching it for THREE HOURS.
1989 is best year. Heathers, The Coreys, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Wonder Years, New Kids on the Block...Say Anything...oh, I love Say Anything.
Where the fuck is my Lloyd Dobler?
Damn it.
And some words of wisdom, peeps, from Hal Sparks himself: "The Corey's are a prime example of: if you're an up and coming child star...don't do smack."
Think about it.

sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell

2003-03-31T22:34:00.000-05:00

I'm having a good music night.
You know, after you've been at work all day and you just want to come home, eat something that involves no cooking (like cereal, in fact) and flop in front of the TV set for 5 hours until it's time to go to bed? Yeah, one of those nights. So I had my cereal and flopped in front of the TV. Watched 2 episodes of the Simpsons and at eight o'clock realized that our entire culture is doomed.
Married By America?
C'mon. I had to turn it off before my television got physically sick.
Winamp is the greatest thing on the face of the Earth. We have some good music. Neil and I are the only people who download, and we download stuff that catches our fancy at the time. I have A LOT of Coldplay. Neil likes New Wave. We have a lot of stuff from our collective childhood, stuff we hear in movies, stuff that makes us happy. Coldplay makes me happy, but so does Ben Folds and Bob Dylan, Cake and ABBA (sorry, they do).
So instead of flopping on the couch for 5 hours, I beebop around the kitchen, singing along with Ben Folds and do dishes and make dessert for my boys and feel happy and want to write and write. Not worry about SARS and our unbelievably rediculous little troll of a president or money or what the hell I'm going to get Mikey for his birthday.
And sometime the shuffle on Winamp sucks. It plays what I don't want to hear and I have to keep running into the living room to change the bloody song. Not tonight, though. It played all the right songs:
Things Have Changed, Bob Dylan
Tiny Dancer, Ben Folds live
Sheep Go to Heaven, Cake
Star Guitar, Chemical Brothers
One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces of You, Ben Folds Five
Underground, Ben Folds Five
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Elton John
Start Again, Electric Soft Parade
Killing Moon, Echo and the Bunnymen
Moses, Coldplay (which is my new favorite song, holy shit, I could listen to it all day and all night. It's so beautiful. I love the guitar in it. It's just beautiful.)
Anyway, I'm just happy. I just am. I had a terrible day and I just let it go.
I don't care.
It's just work.
Excuse me, "Lips Like Sugar" is calling...night

Sunday, snowy Sunday

2003-03-30T17:12:00.000-05:00

It was 70 degrees this week.
Now it's sleeting and raining.
I hate New Hampshire sometimes.
I am entirely too bored today. Up at the `rents, listening to golf that's been droning all day on the telly. It's boring. I hate golf. I'm scooting around the web, but nothing is catching my fancy. I was supposed to do my taxes today with my mother, but I forgot my W2. Whoops. I hate taxes, too. I hate math. I hate the fact that I have to pay in because I made "too much money". That's a load of crap because there's no such thing. I hate that I keep saying hate. I'm so frigging negative.
It's been a negative weekend. Last weekend was so much fun. We had an impromptu party Friday night and got plastered. The boys did boilermakers and we did shots of Southern Comfort. Neil fell down outside and we all had a good laugh. It was fun. Saturday night was cozy and warm and Amie and Brandon's and Sunday was wonderfully uneventful. Six Feet Under was good and I went to bed happy. This weekend, Neil's been in a bad mood for, like, two weeks. He goes through these spells. He used to have them all the time at the old apartment. He'd be depressed, withdrawn, violent. I learned a long time ago to ignore what he says, that he doesn't mean it, and to weather the storm. He'll get over it. I don't know what triggered it this time...maybe it was the weather, his job, money, boys...I don't know. He doesn't tell me. He keeps it inside. Mikey says he tried to help, but Neil replied his problems weren't as important. Mikey says that he thinks that means Neil thinks his problems aren't important.
That's not true. Sorry, I've lived with the kid for almost three years. I know what it means.
It means Neil was being sarcastic. If I had been there, I would have laughed. Mikey's problems are more important that anybody elses at times. Neil knows this. He was pointing it out. You don't have to be a genuis to figure that one out. It's almost funny. Well, not funny. Just mildly amusing.
So, that's been fun to deal with. He was in a better mood last night but a crappy one this morning. Perhaps I shouldn't pick on him so much, but it's fun and I don't mean any of it most of the time.
Work is slowing down. It's nice to be able to leave at 6pm, but I still sometimes feel like I'm drowning and out of control. I'm doing some research on Gate 1's Rio package for work. It's $499.00 for 5 nights with airfare, but it doesn't include sightseeing or a departure transfer, and it's only good for May 6th. That seems kind of dumb to me. We can do $599 all summer, and we have sightseeing and a departure transfer. The hotel looks a bit dumpish as well, not that the hotel we use is a prize, either, but still.
Whoah.
Slipped into work mode there for a minute. Sorry.
I wanted to write today, but I forgot my disk, damn it.
No short term memory.
Wish I could remember where my W-2 is.

am i part of the cure or am i part of the diease?

2003-03-17T20:15:00.000-05:00

Ugh.
God, what a day.
I don't know if you all watch CNN, but there's this thing called "the killer flu", or SARS (severe acute respitory syndrome) going on Asia now. It's some kind of deadly pnemonia or something.
Fucking chaos.
That's all work was today. People freaking out, screaming at each other. Every word my boss said today was "fuck", and he's not a big curser. He yells, but he never says "fuck" in normal conversation. It was insane. I said something jokingly to him at the copier and he got in my face, asking why I was attacking him. It was scary, it really was. He calmed down in the afternoon, after calling me a "pain in the fucking ass". What a nice place to work. We are all so nice to each other. I was only aware of the whole killer flu thing. I'm in Latin America. We only have stuff like Dengue Fever and stuff. Nothing crazy like the whole killer flu.
Oh, here we go. Bush's address. I'm going to pause for a moment.
I don't have much to say after that. I'm depressed now.
Good night